Fall

She said to me exactly what I had predicted. What I had said two days ago would happen. What I knew in the back of my mind, was coming. I hoped that maybe this time it will be different. But I was wrong. I felt numb. Hopeless. Useless to this mere existence of mine. Wondering if there will ever be an end to this reality. I felt like I was chasing my own tail over and over...getting dizzy going in circles until I couldn't tell which way I'm actually supposed to go. I did what I always do...

I get quiet
I look at the ground.
I don't smile.
I can't stop thinking.
Every word out of my mouth suggests a cynical attitude which makes others uneasy.
I wonder if this moment will get better.
I wonder how long I'm going to have to endure this.
I find myself saying the words over and over again, "not good enough, never good enough."
Is there anyone out there who will think I'm good enough?
I find myself wanting to throw everything and everyone around me away because I'm not good enough...so why should they be here?
I wonder if I'll ever find my eutopia I've been working so hard to seek.
I think of everything that I've been through and how much more I have to go through.
I wonder why I keep being tested this way.
Everything I've worked hard to achieve is suddenly washed away.
There's nothing but hopelessness surrounding me.
Nothing anyone can say to make me feel better is good enough.
I just need a moment to let it out so I can move on.

I need to cry it out but I can't...

But that's exactly what I did. I walked in front of them so they wouldn't see me crying. Holding my head down, hiding behind my hair. Trying to wipe the tears on my scarf before they came out of my eyes. But the minute my friend put her hand on my shoulder, noticing the emotions I was trying so hard to hide...I let it out. I wept shamelessly. In front of strangers who stared wondering if they should come up and ask if everything is all right...but couldn't.


My vulnerability embarrasses me.


I tried to forgive myself for being human and feeling intense emotions at that moment; so I just buried my head in my friend's shoulder...and wept. She just held me. Like a friend should...without saying any words or offering any advice at that particular moment because she knew better. I apologized to her for wetting her hair with my tears realizing later that I was crying in my own hair. I sat in the metro with her, wondering what I'm doing in this town. If it was a good idea. If I can justify moving here without any promise given to me. If I can make my hopes a reality. If I will finally be where I want to be. What if I fail? What if I have to go back? I can't go back. I just can't. She tried to offer some words of encouragement. I told her that everything she's saying to me is a cliche and I just need a moment to fall.

Just give me a moment to fall.

We switch lines and I take the metro home without my friend...alone...feeling so alone. I find others staring at me. My eyes suggesting obviousness of the tears that had been there moments ago. I pray that nobody can see through me. I pray that they don't know what's going through my head. I lock eyes with a woman who seems to notice my state. I look away wondering if she can read my mind. Wishing that she can't so she doesn't have to be burdened with my worries. I think of the dream I had where someone was laughing at me while I was crying saying, "She's so silly for crying. She has no clue what's going to happen." I wonder maybe if the woman I locked eyes with is thinking the same thing. Maybe I say that because in the back of my head I know I'll be fine. I'm always fine.

I get home to realize that only I am responsible for myself. Only I can get up again and keep moving...because that's all I can do. Because that's all I have to do. Because I have no other choice.

I have to be strong...because I have no other choice.

I get ready to go out and face the world again with a smile. Amazed at my strength. Maybe I really am stronger than I think I am. Maybe I've just gotten so good at hiding behind my laughter and smiles and jokes that I've even fooled myself.

I leave my apartment...smiling at all the people I pass. Realizing that I won't appreciate the good moments if I didn't go through the bad ones.

I really am strong.