...

I saw it today on the metro. I kept looking and all of a sudden a question popped in my head: I wonder if I'll ever have that? I sat there. Thinking. Staring. Wondering. Then I thought of all that I have to do and found it impossible to picture that for myself. For now anyway. Maybe later. But not now. It's not my time. Maybe back then it was but maybe now It's too late. I don't know why I'm making excuses for it. I know I'm not that lucky...not like them.

I (still) walk alone.

Lindsey

"This is a device the government uses to read our brains."
--Lindsey--

"He lives on fries like me. Who knew? My soul mate is a squirrel."
--Lindsey--

"My students are crazy and plotting to kill me by throwing fruit; not a lie. HELP!!!"
--Lindsey, on Gmail chat--

I came back to these words flashing on the corner of my Gmail page. She just wrote those words and was gone. I was laughing out loud to myself. I found this especially funny since she is allergic to fruit and just about everything. She and I went to a restaurant and she looked at the menu and said, "I can't eat anything here." I said, "Then why are we here?" She's allergic to everything. Spices, fruit, the sun, everything. "Well since you are allergic to life...," as my brother said to her. I love this girl. She is so random. We are so perfect. I can't wait until she moves here. I can't wait until I am living with her. I simply cannot wait until Lindsey and I are under one roof planning to take over D.C. together.

I miss Lindsey.

Song of the Day

Over My Head (Cable Car) by The Fray

...

I miss this day. I wish I could do it again.

End

When does it end? Oh yes. I forgot; when I die. Ugh! Therein lies the problem. I swear. Sometimes I'm so strong that I amaze myself and sometimes everything comes crashing down on me all at the same time. I have no clue how I do it. I have no idea why I keep getting tested so much. I always try to justify it by saying, "God gives us what we can handle. He must have a lot of faith in me." But sometimes I wonder if I even believe in those words. I feel so hopeless at this moment. Tomorrow morning I'll be fine. But tonight I just need to get all this negativity out of me. I have to let it out. I have to feel that its okay to vent again. I've stopped myself from feeling for the last couple of months. I've stopped focusing on myself. I've stopped caring about myself. I've stopped letting myself really feel. I've put this numb brick wall around me where I think if I stand behind it, nothing will bother me. I can only pretend for so long, right? I found that no matter how hard one tries to run from their demons, they have a way of sneaking up and reminding of things lost and things in the past and things one wished they had forgotten. I've pretended that I'm okay with things how they are right now and that I will eventually be fine and listened to her and actually believed when she said, "This is the calm before the storm; your day will also come." I do believe that my day will come. Yes. It has to come. Everyone else has had that. Why can't I? But the more I pray for it or the more I try to work hard for it, the longer it takes to come towards me. I feel so completely worn down at this moment. I feel defeated. I feel ashamed for not being where they are. I feel so useless. I feel so behind. I feel like such a failure. I feel so embarrassed. I have all these feelings of self pity and loathing inside me right now. My heart is heavy with tears that want to come out but they just won't. I've stopped crying. I haven't cried in 3 months. I haven't mourned any real feelings inside of me for the last 3 months. I've become numb. I just feel beaten down and defeated. I feel like I've been cast aside. I feel like I've been ignored. I feel like I've been used. I feel like I've been overlooked. I feel like I've been belittled. I don't feel anything right now which shows real joy about anything. I feel completely and utterly useless. I feel like I failed myself and what I said I'd do. My hopes, my ambitions, my dreams, my outlook on myself as a productive and successful person has been crumbled. I feel belittled to the nth degree. I feel ashamed at myself. I am a failure.

I have failed. I hate myself right now.

Shawn is HERE!

The Man in My Life is Here! I Love My Brother So Much!

Bush Sighting

I was on my usual walk/run today on the National Mall when I decided to turn right after the National Phallic Symbol and walk down that street. I crossed the street and was walking parallel to the White House when all of a sudden I notice that the street was blocked and everyone was stopped, mostly the tourists. I continued to walk and as I approached the next intersection I was told to halt by a uniformed secret service man who uttered an authoritative "Please Stop Miss."

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" I said. "I was on a momentum."

But I stood there with the rest of the crowd while my muscles poked at me and seemed to be saying, 'What happened, why did we stop?' I heard the chopper overhead. Then I saw the motorcycle cops drive by followed by 3 or 4 black SUVs with one of them in the middle which had a cute little President's Logo on it. The tourists started moving forward with their cameras at which point I saw the secret service people move forward, alert to the movement taking place. I turned to the woman next to me who was trying to move forward with her camera and said, "I wouldn't make any sudden movements if I were you." She decided against going any further and stayed where she was. The SUV drove by and from the back window of the SUV with the logo I see President Bush waving towards where our crowd was standing; obviously at the kids that were standing by me.

"CAN I GO NOW?" I said out loud.
"Is this common here?" asked the woman standing next to me.
"Yes, but more annoying because it interrupts my walk."

I kept walking. My muscles happy to be moving again.

Another day in D.C.

HaHa

Co-worker: I like your necklace. Where did you get it from?
Me: Jordan.
Co-worker: Who is Jordan?
Me: The country.

I love you Shawn!

I stab people with needles and take their blood.
--My Brother, on his new job at the hospital--

Ode To God

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it’s going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you’ve never met anyone
who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you’ve never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I'm the funniest woman you've ever known.
I am the dullest woman you've ever known.
I'm the most gorgeous woman you've ever known
And you've never met anyone as, as everything as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

And you’re still here
And you're still here...

--Alanis Morisette--
"Everything"

It's a self-preservation thing you see

"You remember those walls in Belfast that were really thick and were really old and had barb wire on the top and no matter how hard they tried they couldn't get through them? Well that wall is what you are being right now.
--Lindsey--

...

No woman is attracted to a man with a short attention span.