...

My cousin died hours before he was supposed to be born. The umbilical cord wrapped around his neck and choked him, by the time my aunt got to the hospital and the doctors figured out what was happening, it was too late. This was 10 years ago. Tonight, after years, for a split second his beautiful face went through my mind and I dearly missed a family member I never met.

God Bless his soul.

Ever

Don't ever tell me how to act, how to be, how to feel, how to say things and how to get over things. Don't ever tell me that my experiences or what I have seen in my life so far, what I have been through, or how much I've cried, is insignificant. Never EVER make the mistake of disrespecting and criticizing me, my life, and my experiences like that. Never make me feel like my experiences are insignificant or not good enough. To you they may be nothing, to me its everything that has made me what I am today. I am hopeful for my future but I will never forget what happened to me. Nobody can expect me to.

Ever.

Sacrifice

Hello my friend
We meet again
It's been a while
Where should we begin?
Feels like forever
Within my heart
Are memories
Of perfect love that
You gave to me
Oh, I remember
When you are with me
I'm free, I'm careless
I believe
Above all the others
We'll fly
This brings tears
To my eyes
My sacrifice

We've seen our share
Of ups and downs
Oh, how quickly life
Can turn around
In an instant
It feels so good to reunite
Within yourself and
Within your mind
Let's find peace there

'Cause when you are
With me
I'm free, I'm careless
I believe
Above all the others
We'll fly
This brings tears
To my eyes
My sacrifice

I just want to
Say hello again
I just want to
Say hello again

When you are with me
I'm free, I'm careless
I believe
Above all the others
We'll fly
This brings tears
To my eyes

'Cause when you are
With me
I'm free, I'm careless
I believe
Above all the others
We'll fly
This brings tears
To my eyes
My sacrifice
My sacrifice

(I just want to
Say hello again)
I just want to
Say hello again

My sacrifice

--Creed--

...

Good lord woman! You can't leave this country! It only took me 34 years to find you!
--Rubina--

I'm the Cats' Meow

Rubina: Look at you swaying your hips from side to side as you walk.
*makes fun of me*
Me: Ummm. That's how I walk.
Rubina: Oh.
Me: I walk the catwalk of life baby.
*shakey*
*shakey*
*shakey*
*shakey*

I miss my (real) roomate!

"I had a dream that we finally saw each other, and just cried. we laughed and cried for like 20 minutes then I woke up so I will be visiting soon. I miss you too much."
--Kita--

GO CHUNG!

WrOngdOerZ: you forgot the "want cookies?" at the end though

miamiparadiso: i should have said that when they didn't put up my third graphic and said, "what? rushing me with my graphics so i can go bake you cookies?"

I'm SO proud of you!

I miss Your Sweetness

WrOngdOerZ: did you go on the air yet?

miamiparadiso: not yet, saturday

WrOngdOerZ: i'm sure you're so sweet that even if you go 'yeaaaaaa there's a tornado coming. people will go 'ohhhh okay' instead of 'OHHHHH SHIT' cause of your sweet way you'd say it: "Tornado on the way. Cookies anyone?"
miamiparadiso: okay i'm dying from laughter here babe

WrOngdOerZ: i can see it now. "oh you're all going to DIE...try the chocolate covered ones."

miamiparadiso: "there's baseball sized hail, but if you survive, i'm making my homemade lasagna tonight and it's to DIE for!"

In a Rut

It seems that no matter how much I throw stuff away, how much I organize my room, how much I try to lighten the load, I still don't feel at peace. Something is not right and I can't figure out what exactly is bothering me. I have no clue what is wrong with me. I can't get rid of this restless feeling. I don't feel inspired.

Clueless

I wish I could just shut it off but unfortunately I can't. I want to but I can't. I decided to go out with friends tonight instead of sitting in my room and crying and was glad I did it because a night on the dance floor and the walk home in the rain was nice. He kissed me when he walked me to my door. It was nice but I think I'm so miserable in everything around me and trying so hard to figure out where I need to go that I can't get that part of me to turn on. I can't get myself in tune with someone else. I have no idea what is wrong with me. I have no clue how to get myself back to where I used to be excited about the possibility of someone new or the excitement of that 'crush.' That part of me is so dead and not open to anything. I hate what I've become. I hate that I can't just...be. I am so unhappy in my current situation that I don't think anything can please me. I hate that I anticipate what tomorrow will bring and dread it because I know that it will be another battle for me. Every single day in this city has been a battle for me, from moving here to school, to job hunting, to trying to figure out where to go to how to handle the people I meet here every single day. I honestly have no idea what to do. I want to escape and just not worry about anything around me and yet I can't. I don't know how to turn things off. I don't know what my future in this city will be anymore. I don't know if I picked the right city anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. I am praying again. I hadn't prayed for so long that I can't find my prayer rug. I was crying when I was looking for it because I knew that I had lost so much faith that I had lost track of the one thing that used to sit outside in my room. I hope God can forgive me for the things that I have done wrong in my life. I hope that I find the happiness that I have been so desperately trying to seek. I hope that one day I will wake up and never remember what I have been through in this city for the last year. I hope that one day I will be walking hand in hand with the man who is brave enough to not give up on me and I hope that I will have that job that I had always wanted. I am hoping and praying so hard for these things that I can't even keep track of my thoughts and prayers anymore. I feel so restless all the time and feel this sudden urge to run away and be anywhere but here. I want to just *feel* again. I can't find my peace of mind because every time I do, I lose it. I am so tired of being so strong all the time and pretending like I am okay with everything around me or that I am happy. I hate it when I dress up and look *perfect* because when they see me all they see is this person who, to them, probably has everything together when they have no idea that I feel like nothing around me is together and sometimes things fall apart, including my stupid dresser. My room is randomly flooding. I hate that I have two HUGE wet spots in my room and they just keep getting bigger. I hate that I feel so incomplete right now because everything around me is incomplete right now. I feel so incomplete. I feel so empty. I feel so lonely. I feel like such a failure. I feel so not good enough for anything. You can see it in my face. They saw it in my face tonight. They said I was unusually quiet. I said I was tired. I'm sick of making excuses for myself and why I'm not *me* and why I'm so pensive all the time and why I am just so uneasy all the time. I wish I felt safe. I wish I felt secure. I wish I felt loved. I wish I felt like there was something waiting for me at the other end for me to work towards because right now I feel like I'm drowning and there is no light at the end and I feel so uneasy. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know where to go or who to turn to because I am tired of talking and venting about the same shit over and over again. I'm sick of having the same damn conversations about job, love, life, future to everyone. They just don't get it. Nobody does. I'm sick of taking it one day at a time and telling myself to be patient because I have been patient long enough. I am sick and tired of getting out of bed everyday. I am sick and tired of trying so hard and struggling everyday to get somewhere in this city. I am sick and tired of just being me. I am sick of me. My stupid parking sticker expires on the 29th and I have no clue what I'm going to do since I'm not in school this semester and I've been claiming classes to keep my AZ license plate and not switch it to DC. I am sick of worrying about stuff. I am sick of thinking. I am sick of people not giving me enough credit for my brain in this city and just staring at me like I'm a stupid piece of meat and am going to flip my hair and giggle like a flake any second. I am sick of people belittling me because they're too STUPID to have an analytical conversation and the only way they have to make themselves feel better about their stupid existence is by quoting me stupid facts that anyone can get off the internet. I'm sick of being an adult and accepting that life is hard and that I need to toughen up. I'm tough enough dammit. I can't even find a single decent person to vent to because everyone is either busy with their girlfriends or happily busy in their own lives. I am alone. I feel so incredibly alone. I try to vent and say I had a bad day but I only get a simple, "sorry" response which reminds me of my boundaries and makes me remember that I have no reason to speak to this person or anyone else for that matter. Nobody wants to talk to a negative person. Nobody wants to listen to the same complaint over and over again. Nobody wants to share the burden that I have. They are too busy tending to their own perfect lives or their girlfriends or husbands or wives or lovers or friends. Which makes me realize even more that sometimes I really have *nobody* to turn to. You are so lucky that you have that person to hold you. That person that you go home to or that person that you feel close to. I'm glad you found that and I'm glad you are happy and I'm glad that you feel content in what you have in your life. I have nobody. Every fuckin' morning when I have to get my ass out of bed and face the fuckheads in this city alone and make it through a day alone is tough enough for me and I'm sick and tired of people telling me that it will make me stronger. I am as strong as I can be, I have no idea what the hell else they want me to do or how tougher they want me to get. I have no idea what kind of a person I will be in the next year because this city has turned me into a hard bitch. I have no idea what else I'm supposed to do to become a better person. I have no idea what will become of me. I have no clue as to what the hell tomorrow will bring and I have no clue what the hell I'm going to do if I get rejected from the FS exam I just took...I have no fuckin' clue. I have no clue what happened to all that was good inside of me. To quote Disturbed: " It seems that all that was good has died and is decaying in me."

I feel so dead inside. I'm hoping something changes before the outside catches up.

...

i hate today. i want it to be over already. i wish i could disappear.

i just want to disapper.

My New (Overpriced) Phone

She is my new toy and according to Lindsey, she is French, like my alter ego. I have just named her Armelle.

"Table for One."

He looked at me like I was from another planet. I knew what he was thinking. That's what they always think. That's what they always asked me. They always wondered how I could be there alone? How I could have the courage to sit there in a restaurant full of people and eat alone? I walk by this place all the time and stare at their outdoor seating area. I had read their menu once and wanted so much to try it out.

"Next time I have a hot date, I'm going to make him bring me here," I had told her a while ago smiling to myself.

But I know that waiting for that hot date will take a while so I decided to go there on a 'date' with myself. Pathetic you might say. To be honest, I have gotten used to eating alone at restaurants , especially the nice ones. I treat myself because I know that I won't have a 'date' all the time like others will. I don't have that someone that others, like you, have so easily found. I don't have someone to go home to. I don't have someone to take to my friends' barbecues to. I don't have a date when I show up to places. I walk alone. I eat alone. I am alone.

I tell them that I treat myself to a fancy meal because I'm fabulous.
I'm lying. I do it because...well, there is nobody to wine and dine me and take me out to a fancy meal and make me feel like a million bucks. I have to make myself feel like a million bucks. I have to tell myself that I'm worth appreciating. I'm worth loving. I'm worthy taking a chance with. I'm worth coming after. I'm worthy enough to one day have what everyone around me has...someone who loves them and isn't afraid to tell them that. I'm worthy of all of that. But that can be so hard sometimes when I'm the only one screaming it in my own head. I look around and there's...

nothing.

Wow! What I just said was absolutely PATHETIC. I know. But that is my reality. Pity me? No. That is me. I don't date around and prefer to be with someone I feel very strong for; which also means many lonely moments.

"Table for one?" He asked.
"Yes please," I replied smiling at him.

He gave me the same look I've gotten before- the one that the woman at the planetarium had given me the first week I moved to D.C. when I went to the Einstein Planetarium on my own and purchased a ticket for one. The same look that they give me when I go to a movie and ask for a ticket for one for a showing.

They let me lead the way to decide where I wanted to sit. I stared at all the empty tables outside and chose one at the furthest end from the only other patrons at the restaurant. It was slightly breezy and sunny, a beautiful day to be in the shade; really warm in the sun.

The server walked up to me and asked, "Where's your date?"
"I am my own date," I said to him smiling, hoping that my smile didn't reveal my sadness or how sorry I really felt for myself at that moment.

"Filet Mignon, medium well please," I said.

I enjoyed my meal in peace and quiet, minus the two phone calls I made to catch up with Lindsey, as it was her first day at work. I also called Rubina to see what she was up to, turns out she was going on hour 4 of a lunch meeting. It sounded like she and her co-workers were all having a great time.

I hung up the phone. I took a bite of my steak. Then another. Then another. Then a thought hit me that hurt the most and made me literally stop chewing.

What if I am that person who is always the one who is alone at a table at restaurants? That one person you see in a crowded restaurant that is sitting there by him/herself eating their meal alone. I suddenly found that I couldn't eat anymore and was thankful that I was at the end of my meal. I just chewed on the bread and waited for the server to walk over asking me if I was finished.

"All finished Ma'am?" He asked.
"Yes. Thank you." I replied.

I paid the bill and left. I walked to the benches in front of the White House and observed the atmosphere there for a bit. I then went home, thankful that I had a 'date' with myself, but still wondering if there would ever be anyone sitting across from me in the other chair in the near future.

So the next time you are out with your significant other, remember this:

Indulge in great conversation. Make them laugh. Be good to them. Love them. Don't ever let them go. Appreciate every single thing about them. Don't ever take the love they feel for you for granted. Always be thankful that there is someone out there who thinks you are worth spending time with, someone who tells you that you are on their mind. Always be thankful that there is someone out there who will hold your hand and hold you and comfort you when you need it the most. Always be thankful that there is someone there to kiss you. Always be thankful that there is someone there to hold you. Always be thankful that there is someone there who tells you that he/she loves you. Always be thankful that you have that because the table is set for one when you don't have that and its very lonely to stare at that empty chair across from you. No matter how confident one is in their life, no matter how much they try to be independent, always remember that nobody wants to be lonely and nobody wants to eat alone.

...

There's nothing like taking a long walk and getting wet in the rain to clear my mind. It's a rainy day in the Capitol.

I Love the Parentals

Mom: Your grandmother and I will be in Pakistan from November until January.
Me: I'm trying to figure out when to take a trip to Phoenix soon so I can see you.
Mom: Shawn will be in Pakistan with us in December.
Me: Nice.
Mom: Zeshan and Sarvat are also coming for 2 weeks in December.
Me: Ohhh...
Mom: So is Baba.
Me: *stops walking* WAIT! Are you telling me that I am the *only* one who will be on this continent on Eid?
Mom: Yes. We all are celebrating Eid in Pakistan this year.
Me: Well that SUCKS! I want to go too.

*LATER IN THE EVENING MY PHONE RINGS*

Me: *chatting away with Baba about stuff*
Baba: Hmmm.
Me: I'm taking the FS exam tomorrow.
Baba: Hmmm.
Me: I heard you all are going to Pakistan.
Baba: Yes.
Me: I want to go.
Baba: Too bad you said you couldn't go.
Me: But I want to go now. I'll be the only one here while you all are all there! Pleeeeease!
Baba: *silent*
Me: *silent*
Baba: Your flight is booked from December 18th till January 4th.
Me: NOOOOO WAYYYYYY *jumps around*
Baba: We're going in India to Rampur, then the Taj Mahal and then Karachi and then London on the way back.
Me: *jaw drops to floor*
Baba: Take your passport to the Pakistani and Indian Embassies and get your visa.
Me: *nods*
Me: I mean...Okay!
Baba: I'll mail you Shawn's passport also.
Me: okay.
Baba: okay. Bye.
Me: THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU!
Baba: Hmmm.

Friday Night With the Girls

Me: I have a soft pain. This constant pain that comes and goes on my right side. I know what it is. OMG! I'm ovulating!
Rubina: Good Lord Woman! Whatever do you, don't say that out loud when you get inside because no man would talk to you.
Lindsey: She's fertile!

Rubina was driving. I was in the passenger in the front seat. Lindsey was in the back seat. What happened next is hilarious!

...

There's a hole in my soul you fill, whether you know it or not. I'm not saying I want you, I'm just saying I wish I had spent more time getting to know you. I still don't know what makes you tick. And yet, you're simply you. -My friend, Mike-

...

may she find
all the happiness in the world
that she deserves,
may she thrive and smile
and laugh and love without restrictions
may she dance by the light of the full moon
with her hair flowing down her back
and tears of joy sparkling in her eyes

--Rubina--

Bus

"Men are like that when it comes to women. If it doesn't work out with one then its okay because there's another bus coming in fifteen minutes."
--Him--

He might be right. But I hope that every single man doesn't think that way, though past experience has taught me otherwise. I guess I will always be the eternal optimist. The eternal romantic. That's what makes me different than him. That's what makes me cry over my broken heart and yet thankful that I at least have my principles when it comes to who I give my heart to. It's been a year and one month for me in D.C. and I have only fancied one person in that last year. I did have that one moment where I thought I was ready to hop on the next bus but thank God for knowing myself and realizing that it wasn't what I wanted to do. I didn't want to date just for the sake of dating. I would much rather sit here and think fondly of one person than meet a dozen who are generically trying to impress me or I'm trying to fool myself into thinking that I am actually interested in what they have to say. Until I run into another who can sweep me off my feet like he did and make me forget his name, I'd much rather wait than go bus hopping. I recently read this quote and it made me smile because her words described my feelings to a tee.

"I don't want to date. I'm interested in a very, very deep connection."
-Nicole Kidman-

Memory

I was walking past the Library of Congress on my way back today. To my left was the U.S. Capitol. I stared at it for a couple of seconds and as I approached the corner of East Capitol to turn right, a Monarch Butterfly fluttered past me, landing on the flowers in full bloom. I caught a sniff of the flowers' fragrance. I was taken back in my mind to the day when I first moved here and walked around that corner with my brother and saw a Monarch butterfly and smelled those fragrant flowers. I remembered how I had smiled to myself thinking how lucky I was to finally move to this city. I remembered how I had felt so lucky that I would walk here all the time. I remember that it was one of my blog entries when I moved to D.C., to celebrate the butterflies. I felt this burst of emotion coming out of me as I suddenly realized that I might have to give this up. I might not be able to walk on this sidewalk and enjoy watching the butterflies on those flowers on that corner again. I suddenly had a sad feeling like I would have to leave this place because I failed it. I failed myself. I failed. I couldn't stop the tears and sobbed all the way home, thankful that my sunglasses hid my eyes. I'm trying so hard. I'm getting nowhere. When? That's what I've been asking God all day today.

When will it be my turn?

...

Dear God,

When?

Your ever humble servant,

Me

...

I wish she had just let me say what I was saying at that time instead of calling me out on my bullshit. I told her that if I said it long enough, I might just start believing it. I hate it when someone knows me so well that they know when I'm saying something because I truly believe it or am saying it to fool myself. She did that to me today on the way to Georgetown. Last week she kept calling me knowing something was wrong.

"I know you. When you are upset, you bitch about stuff. When something is *really* bothering you, you are quiet, and you've been really really quiet all week. That's why I'm calling."
--Lindsey--

She called me every single day last week to check up on me. To just talk to me. To ask me how my day was going. To talk to me about the most random stuff so I didn't feel so alone. To let me know that she was there for me. I love her, very much. I love that I don't even have to say anything about what's bothering me, she can just tell.

That's how you know you are in the company of good friends who won't walk out on you when you feel like the rest of the world abandons you. When you keep yourself cooped up in your little cave because you don't want to deal with what's going on on the outside. When you don't want to talk about what's bothering you because you know it will start this domino effect that won't stop. When you don't feel like being around people or talking to anyone, there's that one friend who is stubborn enough to not let you do that. There were two who did that and I just met one of them a month ago and already we are so close that it feels like we've known eachother forever.

"You two are so alike, its like you two are sisters from a long lost sperm."
--Fran, about me and Rubina--

I honestly love this woman. She is funny, beautiful, genuine and so incredibly sweet. I love that I felt comfortable enough to invite myself to her house and ended up staying there until 2 a.m. last Thursday night. I love that we prayed together and cried together. I love that after our crying session, we lightened the mood by discussing cheezy bollywood movies and promised to have a bollywood cheezy movie night at her house. I love that she sent Madiha an e-mail telling her that we all should break fast together when Ramadan starts.

Her: So here's the e-mail I just sent Madiha.
Me: Ok. Reading this e-mail, I take it you are asking her out.
Her: SHUT UP! THAT IS NOT WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE!
Me: Tee Hee!

I love this girl. I love Lindsey. I am freakin' crazy about them. They recently saved me. Their friendship saved me.

Blunt Bitch

I've never seen this side of you. I like it. I want you to be more like that when you're around me.
--Madiha--

It was a fabulous weekend filled with lots and lots of inside jokes about muffins, fuckitch, sea gulls, and men who couldn't remember that they had already hit on us.

Him: You ladies seem to be here alone.
Me: No we're not.
Him: Ok then I'll go now.
Me: Thanks.

*later that night*

Him: Its too bad you ladies are dancing alone.
Me: We've been through this already.

"The worst was when I saw two sea gulls f***ing in a trash can. It was the most awful thing I've ever seen. I can hear them now, REEEEWAAAAA REEEAWWWWAAAA."

Irene: Oh my goodness. Look at her pants. They are so tight. That is so fuckitch.
Me: Holy crap! If you listen carefully, you can hear her ass hole screaming for mercy.
Irene: FREEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOMMMM!

The guy with the orange speedo who constantly kept putting his hands in his pants to get sand out and didn't realize that he was mooning everyone. We watched this disgusting display in horror for about 15 minutes; unable to look away from what was taking place.

Madiha: There was this Asian family eating noodles sitting behind him while he was trying to pull something out of his butt. His ass was showing. They all looked horrified. They left.

Sand Muffins, bird muffins, feather muffins, toe nailpolish muffins. (every-single-thing-we-can-think-of-muffins)

Brent: Wow! That bathroom smells like a hundred crabs just farted in there.

Madiha: Naveed was snoring so loud last night that Irene woke up, walked out and kicked him in the head to tell him to shut up.

My PERSONAL favorite was when Irene, Madiha and Brent sang Happy Birthday to me at midnight by the shore...and then Irene flashed me. I have it on video and unfortunately cannot show it to anyone. Also on video is the girls' bootie dance in honor for my birthday while they're sunning themselves.

Madiha looks like a lobster and Irene looks like a marble cake.

Putting us three in O.C. atmosphere was like an episode from Sex in the City where you take the city girls out of the city and put them in the Suburbs. They are the most awkward ones there...well that was us three at the stupid club we went to Saturday night. I still have no idea whose idea that was...the bartenders were all women in their underwear, the guys were desperately hitting on anything that walked. Irene, Madiha and I were in our own circle jammin' to footloose while Irene flicked Madiha with the mint from her Mojito. That dude with the goat hair on his face walked up and tried to hit on us again. It was hilarious. I'm glad the four of us left and decided to walk the boardwalk...where we found another place and Irene and Madiha decided to continue the Muffin extravaganza. On the way back Brent asked me if we could just sell them.

And lets not forget the whole day we spent on the beach on my birthday, flirting with Anthony. Oh my goodness...all of us had uttered these words by the end of the day:

Can I take him home?
He is so adorable.
If you shake the waterbottle, he might come and play.

We walked to the dock to enjoy the sunset and Naveed attacked us with the camera and turned the photo session into a 'wanna be' modeling session. We did our best and had fun with it...of course there is always the picture where Madiha looks like her face is growing between my arm and Irene looks like she is licking my elbow. Madiha, Brent and Irene got a birthday cake for me which we enjoyed after dinner at the cottage. Then we walked on the boardwalk that night and Naveed grabbed me and danced with me. It was sweet and a little birthday present from him. We put our cameras on every setting possible to take pictures of ourselves in the dark with the moon and water in the background. I think they turned out really artsy.

Bottom line is that it was a great weekend. Started a little rough on the drive there, needless to say, but it turned out to be a fun-filled weekend. Madiha summed it up best with this sentence: Oh my God! I've been laughing for the last three days, my jaw is going to fall off.

Oh and traffic was awful on the way back. A 2.5 hour drive took us 5 hours. But on a cooler note, Lolita hit 100,000 miles on the way back! We all clapped for her and thanked her for not flipping over and killing us on the way to The O.C. Saturday.

Good car!

Happy Birthday to Me

Happy birthday you beautiful, confident, successful, strong, amazing woman YOU!

Panicattackistan Part II

The drive went smooth until 5 miles outside of Ocean City. We were on a one-lane highway heading towards our destination. We're coasting at about 60 mph when in front of us a woman (stupid idiot with a mullet) decided to make a left. All I saw was the white mustang turning in front us. I hear Madiha and Irene scream in the back seat and I grabbed the dashboard waiting for the hit. Brent swerved the car in a grassy ditch area to the right of the road. My car literally flew in the ditch and I was waiting for it to flip over. The car stopped and I see the woman stopping and getting out of her car. I was frozen. She walks over and says, "are you ok?' Before I realized what I was doing I screamed, "You almost hit my car! You almost killed us! How the fuck do you think we are?"

I stepped out of the car, shaking, crying. That image going in my head over and over again. I was literally hyperventilating. The image of what could've happened kept going through in my head over and over again. I felt Brent walk up and hold me. All I kept saying was, "I can't stop shaking." I had some water, sat in the backseat and was crying and shaking and holding Madiha's hand the whole way to the hotel. I called my mother and told her what happened. We both were thankful that Brent was driving and his quick thinking saved all of our lives. I truly believe there was an angel looking out for us. That was the reason I felt the way I felt on the bridge and turned the car over to Brent to drive the rest of the way.

We all truly escaped death yesterday. That feeling stayed with me all day and I was just...quiet the rest of the day.

But on a happier note, the trip is fun and we're all sitting around having coffee and bagles making fun of all the characters we saw yesterday. We're going to be on the beach all day and go out on the boardwalk tonight.

Last night at 12 o'clock, when it was my birthday (officially), I was standing with Brent, Madiha and Irence on the shore at night with the moon shining on the water recording them singing happy birthday to me...and Irene flashing me.

Panicattackistan

I'm on 50 East headed to Ocean City with Brent driving my car and Irene and Madiha in the backseat. I started out driving but when we got on the bridge crossing over water, I started having a panic attack. I felt a sharp rush of blood to my head, couldn't hear, thought I was going to throw up and felt like I was going to pass out. Brent was in the front seat and grabbed the wheel. I was taking deep breaths and had to turn up the music to distract me. Madiha and Irene were making jokes in the back seat to distract me. I swear. I have never had that reaction before. I literally almost passed out. We pulled over at the next gas station where I walked it off, had a soda and still felt nauseated.

"She is from Panicattackistan."
--Madiha--

Bottom line: I just discovered my fear of driving over bridges. As Irene says, I would not do well in Florida. I love Verizon Wireless even more for letting me be in the middle of nowhere and still be online in the front seat of my car typing this and blogging. Naveed hasn't left D.C. yet. He's on his way to pick up the rental car right now. We're staying at this cute place in Ocean City which, according to what the owner told Madiha, there's not a lot of room though its a two bedroom mini-apartment. We were told to bring our own towels, etc. We have 2 air mattresses, that should be sufficient because I am NOT sleeping on that bed. Who knows when the sheets were cleaned.

It will be a fun weekend. I'll celebrate my birthday tomorrow at the beach with my friends.

Pre-Birthday Celebrations

I feel so blessed to have the FABULOUS friends I have here. I love them all for coming out tonight and celebrating with me and making me feel SO fabulous! I love you all! Thank You for a great night!