End

When does it end? Oh yes. I forgot; when I die. Ugh! Therein lies the problem. I swear. Sometimes I'm so strong that I amaze myself and sometimes everything comes crashing down on me all at the same time. I have no clue how I do it. I have no idea why I keep getting tested so much. I always try to justify it by saying, "God gives us what we can handle. He must have a lot of faith in me." But sometimes I wonder if I even believe in those words. I feel so hopeless at this moment. Tomorrow morning I'll be fine. But tonight I just need to get all this negativity out of me. I have to let it out. I have to feel that its okay to vent again. I've stopped myself from feeling for the last couple of months. I've stopped focusing on myself. I've stopped caring about myself. I've stopped letting myself really feel. I've put this numb brick wall around me where I think if I stand behind it, nothing will bother me. I can only pretend for so long, right? I found that no matter how hard one tries to run from their demons, they have a way of sneaking up and reminding of things lost and things in the past and things one wished they had forgotten. I've pretended that I'm okay with things how they are right now and that I will eventually be fine and listened to her and actually believed when she said, "This is the calm before the storm; your day will also come." I do believe that my day will come. Yes. It has to come. Everyone else has had that. Why can't I? But the more I pray for it or the more I try to work hard for it, the longer it takes to come towards me. I feel so completely worn down at this moment. I feel defeated. I feel ashamed for not being where they are. I feel so useless. I feel so behind. I feel like such a failure. I feel so embarrassed. I have all these feelings of self pity and loathing inside me right now. My heart is heavy with tears that want to come out but they just won't. I've stopped crying. I haven't cried in 3 months. I haven't mourned any real feelings inside of me for the last 3 months. I've become numb. I just feel beaten down and defeated. I feel like I've been cast aside. I feel like I've been ignored. I feel like I've been used. I feel like I've been overlooked. I feel like I've been belittled. I don't feel anything right now which shows real joy about anything. I feel completely and utterly useless. I feel like I failed myself and what I said I'd do. My hopes, my ambitions, my dreams, my outlook on myself as a productive and successful person has been crumbled. I feel belittled to the nth degree. I feel ashamed at myself. I am a failure.

I have failed. I hate myself right now.