Clueless

I wish I could just shut it off but unfortunately I can't. I want to but I can't. I decided to go out with friends tonight instead of sitting in my room and crying and was glad I did it because a night on the dance floor and the walk home in the rain was nice. He kissed me when he walked me to my door. It was nice but I think I'm so miserable in everything around me and trying so hard to figure out where I need to go that I can't get that part of me to turn on. I can't get myself in tune with someone else. I have no idea what is wrong with me. I have no clue how to get myself back to where I used to be excited about the possibility of someone new or the excitement of that 'crush.' That part of me is so dead and not open to anything. I hate what I've become. I hate that I can't just...be. I am so unhappy in my current situation that I don't think anything can please me. I hate that I anticipate what tomorrow will bring and dread it because I know that it will be another battle for me. Every single day in this city has been a battle for me, from moving here to school, to job hunting, to trying to figure out where to go to how to handle the people I meet here every single day. I honestly have no idea what to do. I want to escape and just not worry about anything around me and yet I can't. I don't know how to turn things off. I don't know what my future in this city will be anymore. I don't know if I picked the right city anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. I am praying again. I hadn't prayed for so long that I can't find my prayer rug. I was crying when I was looking for it because I knew that I had lost so much faith that I had lost track of the one thing that used to sit outside in my room. I hope God can forgive me for the things that I have done wrong in my life. I hope that I find the happiness that I have been so desperately trying to seek. I hope that one day I will wake up and never remember what I have been through in this city for the last year. I hope that one day I will be walking hand in hand with the man who is brave enough to not give up on me and I hope that I will have that job that I had always wanted. I am hoping and praying so hard for these things that I can't even keep track of my thoughts and prayers anymore. I feel so restless all the time and feel this sudden urge to run away and be anywhere but here. I want to just *feel* again. I can't find my peace of mind because every time I do, I lose it. I am so tired of being so strong all the time and pretending like I am okay with everything around me or that I am happy. I hate it when I dress up and look *perfect* because when they see me all they see is this person who, to them, probably has everything together when they have no idea that I feel like nothing around me is together and sometimes things fall apart, including my stupid dresser. My room is randomly flooding. I hate that I have two HUGE wet spots in my room and they just keep getting bigger. I hate that I feel so incomplete right now because everything around me is incomplete right now. I feel so incomplete. I feel so empty. I feel so lonely. I feel like such a failure. I feel so not good enough for anything. You can see it in my face. They saw it in my face tonight. They said I was unusually quiet. I said I was tired. I'm sick of making excuses for myself and why I'm not *me* and why I'm so pensive all the time and why I am just so uneasy all the time. I wish I felt safe. I wish I felt secure. I wish I felt loved. I wish I felt like there was something waiting for me at the other end for me to work towards because right now I feel like I'm drowning and there is no light at the end and I feel so uneasy. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know where to go or who to turn to because I am tired of talking and venting about the same shit over and over again. I'm sick of having the same damn conversations about job, love, life, future to everyone. They just don't get it. Nobody does. I'm sick of taking it one day at a time and telling myself to be patient because I have been patient long enough. I am sick and tired of getting out of bed everyday. I am sick and tired of trying so hard and struggling everyday to get somewhere in this city. I am sick and tired of just being me. I am sick of me. My stupid parking sticker expires on the 29th and I have no clue what I'm going to do since I'm not in school this semester and I've been claiming classes to keep my AZ license plate and not switch it to DC. I am sick of worrying about stuff. I am sick of thinking. I am sick of people not giving me enough credit for my brain in this city and just staring at me like I'm a stupid piece of meat and am going to flip my hair and giggle like a flake any second. I am sick of people belittling me because they're too STUPID to have an analytical conversation and the only way they have to make themselves feel better about their stupid existence is by quoting me stupid facts that anyone can get off the internet. I'm sick of being an adult and accepting that life is hard and that I need to toughen up. I'm tough enough dammit. I can't even find a single decent person to vent to because everyone is either busy with their girlfriends or happily busy in their own lives. I am alone. I feel so incredibly alone. I try to vent and say I had a bad day but I only get a simple, "sorry" response which reminds me of my boundaries and makes me remember that I have no reason to speak to this person or anyone else for that matter. Nobody wants to talk to a negative person. Nobody wants to listen to the same complaint over and over again. Nobody wants to share the burden that I have. They are too busy tending to their own perfect lives or their girlfriends or husbands or wives or lovers or friends. Which makes me realize even more that sometimes I really have *nobody* to turn to. You are so lucky that you have that person to hold you. That person that you go home to or that person that you feel close to. I'm glad you found that and I'm glad you are happy and I'm glad that you feel content in what you have in your life. I have nobody. Every fuckin' morning when I have to get my ass out of bed and face the fuckheads in this city alone and make it through a day alone is tough enough for me and I'm sick and tired of people telling me that it will make me stronger. I am as strong as I can be, I have no idea what the hell else they want me to do or how tougher they want me to get. I have no idea what kind of a person I will be in the next year because this city has turned me into a hard bitch. I have no idea what else I'm supposed to do to become a better person. I have no idea what will become of me. I have no clue as to what the hell tomorrow will bring and I have no clue what the hell I'm going to do if I get rejected from the FS exam I just took...I have no fuckin' clue. I have no clue what happened to all that was good inside of me. To quote Disturbed: " It seems that all that was good has died and is decaying in me."

I feel so dead inside. I'm hoping something changes before the outside catches up.