He looked at me like I was from another planet. I knew what he was thinking. That's what they always think. That's what they always asked me. They always wondered how I could be there alone? How I could have the courage to sit there in a restaurant full of people and eat alone? I walk by this place all the time and stare at their outdoor seating area. I had read their menu once and wanted so much to try it out.
"Next time I have a hot date, I'm going to make him bring me here," I had told her a while ago smiling to myself.
But I know that waiting for that hot date will take a while so I decided to go there on a 'date' with myself. Pathetic you might say. To be honest, I have gotten used to eating alone at restaurants , especially the nice ones. I treat myself because I know that I won't have a 'date' all the time like others will. I don't have that someone that others, like you, have so easily found. I don't have someone to go home to. I don't have someone to take to my friends' barbecues to. I don't have a date when I show up to places. I walk alone. I eat alone. I am alone.
I tell them that I treat myself to a fancy meal because I'm fabulous.
I'm lying. I do it because...well, there is nobody to wine and dine me and take me out to a fancy meal and make me feel like a million bucks. I have to make myself feel like a million bucks. I have to tell myself that I'm worth appreciating. I'm worth loving. I'm worthy taking a chance with. I'm worth coming after. I'm worthy enough to one day have what everyone around me has...someone who loves them and isn't afraid to tell them that. I'm worthy of all of that. But that can be so hard sometimes when I'm the only one screaming it in my own head. I look around and there's...
nothing.
Wow! What I just said was absolutely PATHETIC. I know. But that is my reality. Pity me? No. That is me. I don't date around and prefer to be with someone I feel very strong for; which also means many lonely moments.
"Table for one?" He asked.
"Yes please," I replied smiling at him.
He gave me the same look I've gotten before- the one that the woman at the planetarium had given me the first week I moved to D.C. when I went to the Einstein Planetarium on my own and purchased a ticket for one. The same look that they give me when I go to a movie and ask for a ticket for one for a showing.
They let me lead the way to decide where I wanted to sit. I stared at all the empty tables outside and chose one at the furthest end from the only other patrons at the restaurant. It was slightly breezy and sunny, a beautiful day to be in the shade; really warm in the sun.
The server walked up to me and asked, "Where's your date?"
"I am my own date," I said to him smiling, hoping that my smile didn't reveal my sadness or how sorry I really felt for myself at that moment.
"Filet Mignon, medium well please," I said.
I enjoyed my meal in peace and quiet, minus the two phone calls I made to catch up with Lindsey, as it was her first day at work. I also called Rubina to see what she was up to, turns out she was going on hour 4 of a lunch meeting. It sounded like she and her co-workers were all having a great time.
I hung up the phone. I took a bite of my steak. Then another. Then another. Then a thought hit me that hurt the most and made me literally stop chewing.
What if I am that person who is always the one who is alone at a table at restaurants? That one person you see in a crowded restaurant that is sitting there by him/herself eating their meal alone. I suddenly found that I couldn't eat anymore and was thankful that I was at the end of my meal. I just chewed on the bread and waited for the server to walk over asking me if I was finished.
"All finished Ma'am?" He asked.
"Yes. Thank you." I replied.
I paid the bill and left. I walked to the benches in front of the White House and observed the atmosphere there for a bit. I then went home, thankful that I had a 'date' with myself, but still wondering if there would ever be anyone sitting across from me in the other chair in the near future.
Indulge in great conversation. Make them laugh. Be good to them. Love them. Don't ever let them go. Appreciate every single thing about them. Don't ever take the love they feel for you for granted. Always be thankful that there is someone out there who thinks you are worth spending time with, someone who tells you that you are on their mind. Always be thankful that there is someone out there who will hold your hand and hold you and comfort you when you need it the most. Always be thankful that there is someone there to kiss you. Always be thankful that there is someone there to hold you. Always be thankful that there is someone there who tells you that he/she loves you. Always be thankful that you have that because the table is set for one when you don't have that and its very lonely to stare at that empty chair across from you. No matter how confident one is in their life, no matter how much they try to be independent, always remember that nobody wants to be lonely and nobody wants to eat alone.
