Not all the time...

sometimes...

sometimes...

not all the time because I try not to...

but sometimes...

ugh!

headache. no medicine.

Happy

Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness.
--Robert Davies

Alone

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were;
I have not seen As others saw;
I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source
I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved,
I loved alone.

--Edgar Allen Poe

Today I feel...

very vulnerable and insecure...

I say this with no remorse whatsoever...

Go Fuck Yourselves!

Hopeless

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you but I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day?
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would
like to say to you but Idon't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me?
You're gonna be the one that saves me?
You're gonna be the one that saves me?



--Oasis--
"Wonderwall"

I miss the nerdiness of Grad School

Auto response from sportsnb: Studies by Bowman (2006) show a strong, significant correlations between happiness and love. This relationship is mediated by the degree of awesomeness of the significant other. Awesomeness is a term defined by Bangus (1969), in his menora study, that discussed the degree to which a woman can completely flip your world upside down.

I L_O_V_E

*Lipton Original Iced Tea with Raspberry

Fall

She said to me exactly what I had predicted. What I had said two days ago would happen. What I knew in the back of my mind, was coming. I hoped that maybe this time it will be different. But I was wrong. I felt numb. Hopeless. Useless to this mere existence of mine. Wondering if there will ever be an end to this reality. I felt like I was chasing my own tail over and over...getting dizzy going in circles until I couldn't tell which way I'm actually supposed to go. I did what I always do...

I get quiet
I look at the ground.
I don't smile.
I can't stop thinking.
Every word out of my mouth suggests a cynical attitude which makes others uneasy.
I wonder if this moment will get better.
I wonder how long I'm going to have to endure this.
I find myself saying the words over and over again, "not good enough, never good enough."
Is there anyone out there who will think I'm good enough?
I find myself wanting to throw everything and everyone around me away because I'm not good enough...so why should they be here?
I wonder if I'll ever find my eutopia I've been working so hard to seek.
I think of everything that I've been through and how much more I have to go through.
I wonder why I keep being tested this way.
Everything I've worked hard to achieve is suddenly washed away.
There's nothing but hopelessness surrounding me.
Nothing anyone can say to make me feel better is good enough.
I just need a moment to let it out so I can move on.

I need to cry it out but I can't...

But that's exactly what I did. I walked in front of them so they wouldn't see me crying. Holding my head down, hiding behind my hair. Trying to wipe the tears on my scarf before they came out of my eyes. But the minute my friend put her hand on my shoulder, noticing the emotions I was trying so hard to hide...I let it out. I wept shamelessly. In front of strangers who stared wondering if they should come up and ask if everything is all right...but couldn't.


My vulnerability embarrasses me.


I tried to forgive myself for being human and feeling intense emotions at that moment; so I just buried my head in my friend's shoulder...and wept. She just held me. Like a friend should...without saying any words or offering any advice at that particular moment because she knew better. I apologized to her for wetting her hair with my tears realizing later that I was crying in my own hair. I sat in the metro with her, wondering what I'm doing in this town. If it was a good idea. If I can justify moving here without any promise given to me. If I can make my hopes a reality. If I will finally be where I want to be. What if I fail? What if I have to go back? I can't go back. I just can't. She tried to offer some words of encouragement. I told her that everything she's saying to me is a cliche and I just need a moment to fall.

Just give me a moment to fall.

We switch lines and I take the metro home without my friend...alone...feeling so alone. I find others staring at me. My eyes suggesting obviousness of the tears that had been there moments ago. I pray that nobody can see through me. I pray that they don't know what's going through my head. I lock eyes with a woman who seems to notice my state. I look away wondering if she can read my mind. Wishing that she can't so she doesn't have to be burdened with my worries. I think of the dream I had where someone was laughing at me while I was crying saying, "She's so silly for crying. She has no clue what's going to happen." I wonder maybe if the woman I locked eyes with is thinking the same thing. Maybe I say that because in the back of my head I know I'll be fine. I'm always fine.

I get home to realize that only I am responsible for myself. Only I can get up again and keep moving...because that's all I can do. Because that's all I have to do. Because I have no other choice.

I have to be strong...because I have no other choice.

I get ready to go out and face the world again with a smile. Amazed at my strength. Maybe I really am stronger than I think I am. Maybe I've just gotten so good at hiding behind my laughter and smiles and jokes that I've even fooled myself.

I leave my apartment...smiling at all the people I pass. Realizing that I won't appreciate the good moments if I didn't go through the bad ones.

I really am strong.

Butterflies

I love seeing these butterflies everywhere.

Some things to remember

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It never was between you and them anyway."

-Mother Teresa

me

happy burrrthdayyy tooo meee
happy burrrthdayyyyy tooo meee
happy burrrthdayyyyyy dear meeee
happy burrthdayyy tooo00 meeeeeee

i think i can...

i feel so *ugh* that its coming out in the form of a headache and a fever.
i guess it's back to square one.
i will be better than i was before.
i will not let this failure break me.
i will get up tomorrow and keep trying.
i will have a great weekend.

now if only i can believe what i just said...

Planetarium

I went to Einstein Planetarium at the National Air and Space Museum today. I haven't been to a planetarium in years. I was giddy as heck until the woman at the ticket counter asked 'How many people?" and I said, "Just me please."

She gave me almost a sympathetic smile.

And for a split second I wish I had someone to share this with. As I entered the planetarium I realized that I'm glad I'm doing this on my own. I love being able to walk to whatever site I want to see and it doesn't matter that I've already been there a gazillion times. Nobody to say 'You wanna go there AGAIN????" I love that I can get up whenever I want and have my coffee and get ready on my own time. I love that I have nobody's thoughts but mine. I love that I am in a city where everytime I go out, I feel rejuvinated and excited about what the day will bring.

I loved my day walking around the Smithsonian and going where ever my feet took me.

Failure

"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm."
--Churchill

Settling in

I absolutely love this city. In case you hadn't read from the previous posts. I love this city but I love it even more now that I'm here. It still hasn't really hit me that I live here now. I haven't had that "realization" the way my brother did when he was driving on the Ohio Turnpike on the drive here.

"Whoa! I just realized that 6 hours ago I was in the west coast and now I'm driving through Ohio!"

That "whoa" hasn't happenend to me yet. I guess its because I've been to DC so much this year that it's just a natural transition. I like my new roomate. She's a wonderful person and I'm so glad that I live with her.

I love DC. I love God for blessing me with this opportunity.


I am truly blessed.


Oh, and seeing the non-stop Capitol Police cars on my way to my metro stop everyday is also a plus!

New Chapter: August 2006

I started my first day of packing for DC on Sunday with the song "These Are The Days" by 10,000 Maniacs. It took me 3 hours to figure out where to start the process of ending another chapter in my life in Michigan. I started where we had started 2 years ago. The fridge magnets. I found myself getting emotional when I thought of how we had cut out a logo of my sister-in-law's community college because we couldn't find a magnet at the bookstore. We glued the logo on the fridge along with my school's magnet and my brother's law school's magnet. Then we put up the board by the entrance talking about how we'll post our class schedules there and write notes to eachother about our whereabouts. Then we put up the board in my room where I first taped the comic my Mom had given me the morning I was leaving for Michigan two years ago on August 14, 2004.

I now empty the room I have known for the last two years. I can't wait to get new things for my room in DC. I can't wait to change the color scheme for my room. I can't wait to hang new pictures on the wall. I can't wait to see what new adventures will await me in DC to help me grow more than I already have in the last two years away from Arizona. I leave for DC hopeful. I leave this town with new lessons to remember in the future. I feel content with myself right now. I am going to DC to live the life I have always wanted to live.

God help me in my endeavors.

Ecoute

Attends attends mais qu'est ce que tu croyais ?
Tes conneries c'est fini, c'est bon, stop!
Tu m'as compris? stop!
Je t'avais prévenu.

On m'a dit que les histoires d'amour finissent mal en général.
J'ai mal car je pense à toi malgré mon ego de squall.
Banal j'ai joué les durs
Mais rien ne va plus
Je dors plus
Je mange plus
Je m'amuse plus
Je ris plus
Je mords plus
Rien ne m'excite plus
Je suis aigri
Et en plus, je bédave plus
Reviens

Ecoute reviens dans ma vie
Cessons les cris, encore un essai
Pardonne moi
Pourquoi me laisser?
Oh baby love, vois au delà
Doudou retiens ton envie
Cessons les cris encore un essai
Pardon pardon faut pas me laisser
Oh baby love, vois au délà

Je débarquais foncedé
Deux ans que j'abusais trop
Ca m'amusait
Elle a beau crier et user ces mots
Ces copines m'assassinaient c'était pas le moment
Elle a écouté les ragots
S'est vengée calmement
(Je t'avais prévenu)
Nouveau taf
Et changement de domicile
Elle rentrait tard
On s'embrouillait des heures au bout du fil
Maintenant on se fait du mal
Et la haine s'en mêle
Le soir elle se fait la malle
Où t'es partie ma belle?
Il est minuit elle est pas chez elle
Et y a pas de nouvelles
Deux heures y a pas de pas chez elle
Et toujours pas de nouvelles
Trois heures "allo?" (appel sur phone tel)
mais personne répond, j'imagine le pire
Elle à l'hôtel
Ma haine s'étend
Guerres de cessations, scission
J'ai pas saisi
Les images filent dans ma tête
C'est les quatre saisons
En hiver (avec ou sans lui)
Je ravive le feu
Printemps été automne instants
Parler futur à deux

(Je t'ai dit stop)

Oh baby love oh baby love...
Vois au delà
(Oui je t'ai aimé comme une folle
J'étais prête à tout)

Payer le prix
Je suis prêt à tant de sacrifices
Mon coeur est vide,
Avide de plaisirs
Si l'amour est cet objet qu'on appelle cadenas
Toi t'as avalé la clé
Et sans toi je fais quoi?

Ooohhh comment comment comment
Comment rester sans toi?
En été comme en hiver
Comment comment comment
Comment...
Vient dans mon univers..

Ecoute reviens dans ma vie
Cessons les cris, encore un essai
Pardonne moi
Pourquoi me laisser?
Oh baby love, vois au delà
Doudou retiens ton envie
Cessons les cris encore un essai
Pardon pardon faut pas me laisser
Oh baby love, vois au délà

--Passi

Ode to the Metro

I love the D.C. Metro. I rode the metro around town like a pro. I felt like such a typical 'Washingtonian' and found myself looking at the people visiting D.C. with their cameras and smirking to myself saying "Tourists!" and walking fast from one place to the next like everyone around me. Nobody could tell that I was a visitor. I simply blended in like the rest. I can't wait to be a full-time 'Washingtonian." Someone asked me "Why D.C.?" and I said "Well...in the U.K., I left my heart in Dublin. In the U.S. I left my heart in D.C."

p.s. my new residence is the Capitol South stop on the Orange Line.