Tuesday's Deep and Not So Deep Thoughts

--I've been craving seafood so bad lately. I have to find a seafood restaurant. I don't care what happens afterwards. I don't care how much my face or ear itches or swells up. I must go. I must have seafood.

--Why can't the Pakistani Ambassador have the public speaking skills of the Indian Ambassador? Ours sounds like a passive dud. I swear!

--I need new black gloves and a hairdryer because my hair is wet when I leave my bat-cave.

--You know it's brrrr cold outside when you have this exchange with a random person:
Person: Good Morning Miss.
Me: Morning. How are you?
Person: Fine. How are you?
Me: I can't feel my ears.

--I made a new friend at the Indian Foreign Policy event. She loves Bollywood movies and music. I can't wait to tell Sarvat that I found a gori girl who has a PhD in Bollywood like her.
Her: I'll make you a CD of all the bollywood songs.
Me: *Blink Blink*
Her: Sorry. I'm just so excited to talk about this to someone who knows what I'm talking about that its all bursting out at the same time.

--Having big eyes is a hazard in this cold and windy weather.
More surface area = More leaking and pain

--I think here's the look I have on my face when I walk to the metro:
I hate this wretched heinous weather and I'm all bundled up with my heavy bag on my shoulder with my headphones from the ipod in my ears with my gloves on with a Pashmina wrapped around my neck where I feel like Uncle Fester from 'The Adams Family' with the left ear headphone that never wants to stay in my ear because I seriously think the left ear is bigger than the right one with my eyes and ears running all the while I'm trying not to lose the kleenex in my hand while balancing the bag and the ipod and the headphones at the same time. How much more of a I'm-miserable-at-this-very-moment look can I have?

--I have no energy or desire whatsoever to get on a bus and go to NYC this coming weekend. Benedetta is just gonna have to wait because its too damn cold for me to leave this city or even make an attempt to do anything remotely productive except taking the metro to be at a certain location.

--I should be reading and doing my work right now but TBS and the upcoming episode of Sex in the City has me completely distracted. I have come to the conclusion that it is virtually impossible for me to do any work in my bat-cave.

--I love it when Josh speaks Urdu to me. Its so cool to have someone else to gossip with in Urdu. ESPECIALLY a gora boy! So cool!

--Sasha is moving to a nun convent with Yoomie in South America. Please mail oreo cookies by the boxloads. Thanks.

--Yoomie is moving to a nun convent with Sasha in South America. Please include tons of batteries in that mail package.

--I can't wait till the family trip to Saudi Arabia and Jordan in March.

"Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow."
(Alex's away message and my inspiration for the moment)

Tradition

Here's the conversation that takes place every time I need to buy butter and am at the grocery store:

Me: *Dials Sarvat's Number While Staring At Butter*
Sarvat: Hello
Me: I need to buy butter.
Her: HaHa
Me: Say it. Just say it.
Her: *British Accent* I cAUn't belIEve it's nOUt buTTa.
Me: Thank You. *Picks up I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and puts it in cart*

Classic Of The Day

Tap that bitch of a machine's ass one last time for me.
--Shawn, after I told him I was selling Lolita--

Dream

To dream that you suddenly discover your nudity and are trying to cover up, signifies your vulnerability to a situation.

To dream that you are attending or going to a dance, indicates a celebration and your attempts to achieve happiness. Consider the phrase the "dance of life" which suggests creation, ecstasy, and going with what life has to offer you.

To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream, signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced. The snake may also be seen as phallic and thus symbolize dangerous and forbidden sexuality. The snake may also refer to a person around you who is callous, ruthless, and can't be trusted. As a positive symbol, snakes represent transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive changes.

To see stars in your dream, symbolize high ideals, spirit, fate and luck. It also signifies your desire for fame and fortune.

To have a blurry dream, indicates that there is something you are not confronting or refusing to see. It also represents secrets and confusion. Perhaps you think that someone is trying to keep something from you.

To see mountains in your dream, signifies many major obstacles and challenges that you have to overcome. If you are on top of the mountain, then it signifies that you have achieved and realized your goals. Alternatively, mountains denotes a higher realm of consciousness, knowledge, and spiritual truth.

To dream that you are riding a roller coaster, signifies that you are experiencing erratic behavior brought on by yourself or a situation. You are experiencing frequent ups and downs in your waking life.

(http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/)

**I was running trying to catch up to someone and I was only in a white towel. I was trying to cover myself with that towel. I then was lying down, covered in the towel leaning on someone and he was running his hands through my hair to comfort me. I remember at that time during my sleep feeling peace. I then saw my mother and brother dancing. Then my mother was dancing with the snake and as the snake slithered away I gave it a smile and blew it a kiss. I could tell it looked at me with fondness also as it backed away. I was then on the top of a mountain with some people and I was looking up and I saw the stars and I kept complaining to my mom that they were blurry. Then we rode on a roller coaster back down the mountain.**

Gatorade

Me: Here.Give me me your e-mail address.
John: It's ***** at yahoo dot com
Me: *typing*
John: Wait you typed it wrong, it's yahoo dot cum.

*John and I had no reaction*
*Madiha was laughing so hard Gatorade came out of her nose*

Destroying DC with Madiha

Madiha: Come with me to the festival before we go out. I have to spend quality time with you. Drunk people take me away from you.
Me: If it's not the drunk people. then its the gay men we're always making out with.

You Know You Live in DC when...

Dear You,

Every time I look at this picture of you, I want to cry. I wish I could go back as me right now and find you and hold you and comfort you and cry for you and tell you that your life will be different than it has been. I'm so sorry to disappoint you.

Love,

Me

Me, According to Miron

About Sasha: "Men who don't like girls with brains don't like girls," wrote Mignon McLaughlin in The Second Neurotics Notebook back in 1966. The same is true today! Lois Wyse put it even better when she said that "Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths." But, perhaps, what can best describe Sasha is a quote by Anaïs Nin: "I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman."

--Miron--

Walk

It was nice to just walk around with Koko and enjoy the city today and clear my head. I realized that I hadn't walked on the National Mall in a very long time. I have promised myself today that I will do that at least once a week (not this week, it's supposed to get down to 10 degrees this weekend). I introduced Koko to my mostest favoritest museum. Actually they all are my mostest favoritest. But I love that one because I find it to be the most peaceful. I love Whistler's paintings that are on display there also. I love to stare at the deliberate brush strokes of his work. I love how it flows.

It was nice to walk. It was nice to breathe. It was nice to enjoy the city. It was nice to just clear my head. It was nice to think. It was nice to vent to a friend who listened. It was nice to admit my faults and weaknesses without being judged. It was nice to show my imperfections to a friend without being criticized. It was nice to bare my soul to a friend. It was nice to breath. It was nice to just walk.

Thank you Koko.

Dream

Rain

If you dream of sitting at a window and watching a storm with blowing rain it is a sign that you will be blessed with true love in your present relationship. To dream of a clear day with sparkling rain shows that you will soon have an in pouring of good luck, but if you are caught in a severe rainstorm and get soaking wet that is the sign of amassing great wealth, perhaps through an inheritance.

My two FAVORITE guys in DC!

HeresUrSign4: honey i miss you!
WrOngdOerZ: tom, i am jealous of that pic on facebook of that woman with you.
HeresUrSign4: i wish it were you.

WrOngdOerZ: you liar

WrOngdOerZ: you sweet talker.

WrOngdOerZ: you cheeky monkey.

HeresUrSign4: no i swear

WrOngdOerZ: promise to make out with me next time I see you?

HeresUrSign4: you have my word.

WrOngdOerZ: i mean who in their right ming could resist me? right?

WrOngdOerZ: well...except, one that I know of...
HeresUrSign4: no one who is sane, thats what i say!
HeresUrSign4: josh is here
HeresUrSign4: josh here! I miss you!
WrOngdOerZ: I MISS YOU!
HeresUrSign4: we need to go out. this semester is sucking already. so, fuck academia.
HeresUrSign4: tom here. my boyfriend seems to be a lip slut.
HeresUrSign4: he made out with madiha and my friend dan.

WrOngdOerZ: i'm jealous.

WrOngdOerZ: if i had to pick between dan or tom. i'd pick tom for sure.
HeresUrSign4: i'd pick you too honey.

WrOngdOerZ: and josh to kiss my neck again and be apathetic about it like he was that night. haha.
HeresUrSign4: i'd pick you too.

WrOngdOerZ: you two sure know how to fool a gal.
HeresUrSign4: i miss you =(
HeresUrSign4: we need to hang out soon.
HeresUrSign4: SO WE CAN MAKE OUT AGAIN!
HeresUrSign4: we need to go but we'll talk to you later.

WrOngdOerZ: *kisses*

Like a Bookcase

I love my bookcase(s) outside in the living room. Reminds me of me. A perfect disaster. Fragile. Looks perfect on the outside but if you shake it hard enough, it might fall apart. It holds my stuff and it just...works. It's so imperfect and yet it just...works.

Sarvat

I hate everyone around you right now. Even my own brother! Yes, I said it. I am jealous of everyone who is interacting with you on a daily basis right now when I have not seen you for 6 months. I am sick as a dog and 5 minutes away from pneumonia. I have been missing you being with me and comforting me whenever I'm sick. I'm all alone here with nobody and have been crying for you all day. They get to laugh and talk to you all the time and see you everyday.

Jealous.

I'm insanely jealous right now.

I hate them!
I hate them all!
I hate that they have you right now and I don't!
You're MY sister-in-law!
NOT THEIRS!

I miss you, Sarvat

"Awww...I can just see those big eyes... *tink tink* tinking at me."
--Sarvat--

Majigger

That's what Sarvat calls me. Jigger is slang for "heart" and Ma is "my".

My Heart.

Oh I haven't heard her say that in so long...

Threadless

I love this tee-shirt

(awwww. who can resist those button eyes on that character?)

tee hee

*blink blink*

Germs...I hate you (the saga continues)

I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT when I get this cough. We all know about the fact that I never get the cold or flu and when I do, it comes with a vengeance. We all know what happened the last time I had this.

HELLLLLLLLOOOOOOOO?

4 a.m. trip to the hospital in Belfast ring a bell?

Oh Courtney...Where are you?


*blink blink*
*pout*

Robitussen

Chug-a-lug, baby ... Chug-a-lug!

Germs (cont'd...again!)

I feel it in my lungs. My nose is still leaking and I still feel lethargic from a fever. Damn you person whose germs I'm hacking up.

I hate you!
I hate you!
I hate you!

Threadless

I LOVE this shirt!

There is life on this planet

Thank you Marisa. This is the first time ever someone besides my family has taken care of me when I've been sick.

germs (cont'd)

i woke up still feeling like crap. how is it possible for a girlie girl like me to produce so much snot? ugh. so gross! headache. fever.

make it go away!

Gambia

You come with me to Gambia. I find you goooooood husband.
--Binta's Grandmother

THEY'RE ALL OVER ME!

HELP_ME!

THE GERMS!
THE GERMS!

THEY'RE TAKING OVER MY ROOM!

I FEEL SO ICKY! AND GERMY!

MUST_STERILIZE_ROOM!

I CAN'T WAIT TO DROWN MY ROOM IN RUBBING ALCOHOL!

THE VIRGO IN ME IS GOING NUTS RIGHT NOW!

HELP! PLEASE!

SOMEONE!

SEND_HELP!

SABILAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

HELPPPPPP MEEEEEEEEE.

holy hell!

Strike that! First cold, fever, cough and dizziness....in D.C.! God Bless Koko for being Mr. Making Breakfast and Taking Care of Me Guy!

*Achoo*

ooooooOOOOooooh how cute! My first cold in D.C. Ew! My nose is leaking and I feel so germy! Ugh!

Secret Santa

Rest in Peace.

Rubble

A couple of years ago my mother, grandmother and sister went back to the site where our house in Chandler used to stand. It was torn down to make room for the Loop 202 freeway that was going to be built at that time. They walked around the lot remembering all the times. Unfortunately there were not many good ones to remember. But it was in that dirt and rubble that they found this picture of me. I've always taken that as a sign.

I love this picture.

Dream

Dog: To see a dog in your dream, indicate a skill that you have ignored or forgotten, but needs to be activated. Alternatively, dogs may symbolize intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. Your own values and intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and succeed.

German Shepherd: To see a German Shepherd in your dream, highlights your protective instincts and attentiveness to a situation. This is no time for your to be nervous and/or lose control.

Dude! Where's My Car?

Friday:
Me: Dude, where's my car? Oh forget it! I'm gonna sleep all day.

Saturday:
Me: Dude, where's my car?
Ali: Oh, I'm tired so I just went home.
Me: Uh. Well I have to go grocery shopping. Can you bring my car tomorrow?

Sunday: *Ali drives up. I'm pissed and waiting on the steps*
Me: Dude, where's my car!!!??!!!
Ali: Just get in.
Me: What the hell are you driving and where the hell is my car?!!??!!
Ali: Just get in and I'll explain.
Me: You crashed my car while I was gone didn't you?
Ali: Just get in. I just bought this. Get in.
Me: Dude! Where the hell is Lolita?!?!
Ali: Get in!
Me: Not until you tell me what the hell you've done with Lolita!
Ali: *parks* Just please get in.
Me: Nice ride. Congratulations.
Ali: Thanks.
Me: DUDE! WHERE IS LOLITA!?!
Ali: At the shop!
Me: Why?
Ali: Well...I parked it on the next street because I couldn't find parking here. And when I came back, the guy who had parked behind me...when he pulled out, he dented the bumper and the left tail light. So its being fixed and I'm taking care of it.
Me: *blink blink*
Ali: *silence*
Me: Well. I guess that's the reason I call her Lolita. That little slut. The second I leave town, she decides to get butt-fucked!

Life

I'm so busy trying to desperately make something out of myself in this life and to get somewhere in this life that I'm forgetting to really live life.

Tissue

I walked into the metro train and took a seat. I saw her and her husband sitting diagonal from me. I could see from her eyes that she had been crying. I saw her husband reach down and gently rub her hand to console her; which made her tear up even more. She reached into her purse to search for something but came out empty handed. She wiped the tears from her face with her hands. I felt empathy for her since that had been my exact state 15 minutes prior to leaving campus. I reached into my bag, pulled out three small tissues from a pack which I carry with me all the time. I walked to her and without any words or eye contact, simply handed them to her. She accepted them without looking up at me. I sat back down in my seat, closed my eyes and listened to my music, leaving them to whatever they were going through at that moment. The husband exited the train a stop before her. She sat there quietly, staring out into the darkness as the train moved again. The next stop was hers. She left without exchanging eye contact with me. Maybe her fears were the same as mine. Maybe she was afraid that if she looked me in the eye, I might have figured out what she was thinking.

woke up with a

splitting headache.

...

I wish I could sleep.

Classics of the night

Me: We shall get together again soon.
Josh: Of course. We *have* to destroy the world together.

night

good night moon.

Oh plane ride from hell!

I was suffering from yet another splitting headache. I knew Baba felt bad for me when he saw me take a pillow and try to put my head upside down on it putting pressure on the top of my head. He gave me some strong pain killer and told me to lie down. There I was lying down between Mom and Baba talking away with them and Grandma sitting on the lounger by their bed. Having a family moment on my last night in Arizona while Baba was giving me a head rub in an attempt to get rid of my headache. It felt nice. I was already going in and out of sleep.

Then the phone rang and this sentence from Baba to my great-aunt in Pakistan sent my world into a fast forward spin.

"Oh you all are already celebrating Friday in Pakistan."

My head shot up and I screamed. "TOMORROW IS FRIDAY! THAT MEANS MY FLIGHT IS TONIGHT!"

I could not believe that I had completely forgotten about my red-eye flight from AZ to DC. It was 8:30 p.m. at this time. I ran across the house and stuffed everything I could find in my suitcase. I took the most half-assed shower to wake myself up. I was still complaining about my headache when Baba called in a last minute perscription of Zomig (which is gold to me) which we picked up on the way to the airport.

I was dropped off at the airport and got to the gate on time. The plane was jam packed!!! Especially with families who each had on the average 2 kids about 1-3 years old who were not happy about being in a plane all night. One kid screamed...literally screamed all night. The two guys sitting next to me and I kind of bonded over that screaming. One of us would let out a, "Oh God please shut up your kid." Then the other would say, "Take the kid for a walk."

I swear. The whole plane ride was non stop screaming kids. I was so glad to get off that plane and exchanged e-mails with the two on the way out. I just made new friends.

Nobody next to me on the plane from Detroit to DC. I passed out for the hour or so on the way here. I came to the realization that I did not have my house keys with me. I had no idea where they were and where I saw them last. I trusted myself and knew that they'd be in the bottom of my duffle bag which was checked in...

luckily they were...

cab ride home...

sleepy as hell...

great to be back in DC

It's a foggy, rainy and chilly day in the Capitol.

Me, Z and Shawn

And then there were...three.

"Oh Man"

My darling little lovely Monkey. I will miss you so much.

I can't believe I said that in front of my parents

HaHa. Yeeeea. These days they ask you if you're a terrorist before they date you.
--Me

Grandma and I are

watching Big Boss and all the indian soap operas on Z-TV and all the other Asian cable networks with all the people who are dead but alive but are dead but really alive but are really dead but are alive under a blanket with the room heater on 90 degrees and when someone knocks on the bedroom door we scream in our FOB-Y-iest accent, "NO-BO-DIIIII-ZZZZZZZ HOOOOOOME!!!!"

Stay Still

I asked for rough directions to get to Gilbert Hospital so I can mapquest it from the house. Baba was glad I reminded him because he forgot to put the words "with contrast" on the MRI of the Brain orders. I asked what that meant. He said it means they will inject iodine in me during the MRI. I asked if that would be a problem since I'm allergic to shellfish and some kinds of seafoods. He just sat there and uttered a silent, "shit." He and I just sat there and had a *blink blink* moment of now what?!

My mom is deathly allergic to Iodine and can never get anything like that done. I'm starting to get there slowly yet surely. Which sucks for me because as I recently discovered on my vitamin shopping spree; almost every women's daily vitamin has either shellfish, fish oil or Iodine in it. Which is why I only take Calcium + Vitamin D pills. When it comes to this MRI with contrast, I don't think I'm that bad; but we don't like to risk it either. I was told to let the people doing my MRI know that and see what they say.

I woke up early and stopped for my mostest favoritest (yes that is a word to me which I use to describe my bestest) coffee in the world, Vanilla Hazelnut Coffee from Einstein Bros Bagels. I felt slightly queasy so I got an order of toast with butter and jelly. That was hard because my choices were strawberry jelly or grape, both of which are my favorite. I chose strawberry. I ate on the way to the hospital. Only took two bites and decided that my stomach didn't want any more.

I found Gilbert Hospital. I didn't know that's what it was because that building didn't exist when I lived in AZ 3 years ago, but the words Emergency and a helicopter on the roof gave it away. I went inside and was led to the imaging part of the hospital. The staff there was wonderful. I filled out all the necessary paperwork and was officially 'admitted' in the hospital and was given a tag to wear around my wrist. She made me sign a paper which stated a power of attorney in case anything was to happen...I signed that over to my dad...being a physician, I feel that he is the right person to make the necessary decisions for me medically. I was then led to the room where my MRI was going to be done. I had to take off all metal, including my nose-ring. That felt weird.

Kevin was going to be doing my MRI. He is a sweetheart. I was a little nervous and felt like a little cat that was afraid to come out from under a bed. Kevin picked up on that and kept chatting about DC and the metro with me to make me feel comfortable, since he had lived in Bethesda for a bit. He had to put a needle in my arm. I turned my head away and focused on the trees outside. I immediately smelled and tasted something sweet in my mouth. It was saline he had injected in me. He said that halfway through the MRI he will put in the iodine. The whole procedure would take about 45 minutes to an hour. I think that the saline part was the precaution that they take regarding the whole iodine issue...

He then walked towards me and started putting something in my ear...

"WHOA...WHOA...WE JUST MET..WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING IN MY EAR!?!" I said

Kevin was laughing so hard he had to walk away...

(I'm so funny sometimes)

He told me that it gets really loud inside the machine and those were earplugs to protect my ears.

"In that case, you may approach," I said.

He put the earplugs in my ears and I got as comfortable as I could.

He said I couldn't move my head and put boards around me to help that. He put a covering on my head which reminded me of the movie Silence of the Lambs...Kevin said that's the most common response from patients.

He left the room. There was silence. Everything was white, cold and still.
I just closed my eyes and started humming in my head.

The MRI started...I would hear loud noises and then Kevin's voice would come over some tiny speaker asking me if I'm doing ok. My usual response would be, 'Yep.'

Then it happened...While I'm lying there with my eyes closed I felt like I was spinning. Sharply spinning. My whole body felt like it was going in circles. Sharp circles. I think that was claustrophobia setting in. I opened my eyes and had to take a deep breath. I still felt like I was spinning.

I kept humming in my head.

After a half hour of loud noises and not moving, Kevin walked in and said, "its time for the contrast." He put in the iodine. I felt an instant tingling in my head. I already had a light headache this morning but I felt it get worse at that moment. I felt myself ... quiver. Yes. Weird but I did. I almost cried. My head was tingling. My headache was getting worse. I could feel the sharp pains in the front of my head, where I always get my headaches. It was a weird sharp feeling...I was so uncomfortable and I was so cold.

I kept humming.

I kept hoping that the loud noise would stop. But it wouldn't stop. I knew this was the finale. I could tell this was the main reason I was here...So I just toughed it out...

Then finally. It stopped. I heard Kevin walk up to me. It was over. I was ready to just go home.I felt dizzy, nauseated, disorientated and very cold. Kevin told me that Baba was there while I was getting the MRI and asked where I want the results sent. I told him to call Baba and ask him what to do, thanked him and left.

Now I just want to sleep.

2007

Lets see what you will have in store for me.

My hairpins

mutated, grew legs, got up and walked away.

Sleep

i'm sleepy. yes. i know. i have circles under my eyes. i look rough. i can see a huge difference in my pictures from my first week here during christmas lunch with baba's office staff and pictures during dinner out with the family and yesterday's pictures from eid. my eyes are puffy and i look so tired. it's been two week since i've had full night's sleep. my eid pictures show it. i'm tired.i'm always sleepy. i just woke up. i'll have my cup of coffee. i'll take my pill. And in about 15 mintues i'll be sleepy again.

Monkey

Me: Oh I'm sorry Mr. Monkey. I made you lose a button.
Monkey: Gives me a disturbed look.
Zeshan: Oh are you upset? Did we upset you?
Mom: Don't worry. There's someone here to cure all your needs if something's bothering you. If you need mental help, she can cure it. If you need them to be sued, he can do it. If you need it revealed to the public, she can do it. If you need it invested, she can do it. If you need it cut out, he can do it. Tell me what you need. We all can help you.

Faith

I went for Eid prayer today. I stood next to my mother like I always do. I love that. In the past, I've always found myself overwhelmed during the prayer. Everyone around the world praying at the same time. It was powerful to me. I would find myself crying. But today I just stood there. Silent. Stone faced. Apathetic. I have always been told that if I remember God he will remember me. I always remember him. I always pray. He doesn't listen. He doesn't remember me.


Me: I've lost faith.
Grandma: I know you have.

Ugh!

Splitting Headache.

I love you so much Mom

"All the people and nurses in the office had to talk to me, take me aside and calm me down when I read your report from the neurologist today."

bloody hell

i wish i could sleep

Fall

...just give me a moment to fall...

2007

I'm terrified. So incredibly terrified. For so many reasons I can't write about or say outloud to *anyone*... I'm absolutely positively petrified.

Woke up this morning

with this song as my soundtrack today.

"It seems that all that was good has died and is decaying in me."

Loved it

It's amazing how much I got to think today on the long drive. How much I got to notice. How much I got to realize. How much I got to...listen to others and my heart. It was 5 years ago. I was a little scared. It's time I did something about it. I saw signs everywhere. I tried to ignore them but I couldn't. I was envious yesterday. I felt bad that I was but for the first time ever, I felt envious. And I was not ashamed of it. So I just prayed and cried. I found out today and my heart ached for her so for about 10 minutes or so I tried to hide my tears from them in the car. It was so hard. I couldn't help but feel her pain. My heart just ached for her. I loved talking today. All day just talking to them. Not listening to my ipod, but just talking to them. Listening to their stories and talking about their worries. My grandmother's father worked with the British in India. Her uncle worked as a county assessor and her other uncle had his own property. The other uncle had his own business. After the partition in 1947 they all left without their government pensions and started all over again. I have been to Uganda and been on Lake Victoria. When President Zia-ul-Haq visited Kenya, his clothes were all dirty and ratted and they were washed and ironed at my grandparents' house. The Ambassador asked them to please keep it hush hush. I loved talking to Grandma and Baba today. I loved it. Absolutely loved it.

Whitewater

The last time I thought of you was 5 years ago. The last time I saw you was 20 years ago in Indio, CA. Where all the white fans are. Where the truck was stuck. Where I accidently left you. I loved holding you and had felt so safe with you around. I remember how sad I was when we drove off and I told them that you were left behind and nobody went back for you. How sad I was when I knew that I'd never see you again. Everytime we are heading to California and we drive by that place, I look over and glance to where I forgot you and remember you and I am a kid in the car again. Pound puppy you're my one and only love.

...

I would love to except nobody ever asked.

Withdrawls

Mom: You must miss D.C.
Me:::: Now that you mention it. I love you guys but I'm having serious D.C. withdrawls.

Only my friend Shaista would...

Walk up to me in front of everyone and start running her hand up and down my butt and say, "I'm so glad you have an ass now compared to the last time I saw you. Walking around in DC must do you good. You now have an Ump-pa-doomp."

I'm so funny sometimes

"Professor Smith, Before I start this final, I'd like to apologize for it in advance."
--Me

"They're so...little."

I walk into Chucky Cheese to wait for the birthday party people to arrive. Of course, being the anal retentive Virgo that I am; I got there before anyone. I walked into chaos of children running around everywhere, their parents chasing them and loud noises from the mini kid rides filling the place. The lady at the door tells me to go ahead and go to the table but I decided to stay by the front. Standing there stiff, uneasy and not knowing what to do with myself in this situation. I thought about my siblings and how if they were here with me, they wouldn't care how old they were and would start getting tokens to start playing with the rest of the lot. I called my sister-in-law and told her this to which she said, "You are *so* right. That's totally what we'd do." I saw the cutest....cutest...cutest little boy walking one way and looking another with drool all over his face. He's walking and walks right into someone's legs, composes himself and keeps walking without even batting an eyelash. I couldn't stop giggling at what had just happened. He was so incredibly adorable. I think he was 2 years old. Then I see this woman dragging her screaming kid, picking him up and basically holding him upside down with all his wins at Chucky Cheese in her hand. She had such a hard time showing the kids' stamp to the lady at the front so the management could make sure the right parent leaves with the right kid. I could tell that kid did not want to go home. She basically dragged her screaming child out the door.

The birthday party arrived. In walks my neice, who I was meeting for the first time. My friend tells her, "That's Auntie Sasha." In her cutest 3-year-old voice she runs to me and screams, "AUNTIE SASHA. TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!!!" I picked her up and hugged her and carried her back to her birthday table. Of course, being the proud Aunt that I am, I immediately started taking pictures of the kids. Then we all sang and danced with the Chucky Cheese mascot and the fake character "musicians" that were on stage. I couldn't believe I was actually dancing at Chucky Cheese to help the excitememt of four 3-year-olds.

We then proceeded to be assigned one kid per person as we took them to the play area. I was walking around looking for my friend when she walks up to me and says, "I can tell you don't have a kid. You forgot about the one you were supposed to watch." To which I let out a giant, "OH SHIT WHERE DID HE GO? THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME!" Short and cute and all screaming and running around. I can't tell you how many times I almost got ran over by 2-5 year olds.

I bent down to give a two-year-old who arrived later her balloon. I say to her, "Now make sure you hold on to it." She looks at me and gives me a sly smile and then slowly starts to let go of the string. I dived to catch it before it floated away to the ceiling, falling on my face as I did that. The two-year-old lets go of the string, points at me and laughs as she walks away. I was left on the floor holding a balloon with everyone laughing at me, including myself.

I think I had just gotten punked by a two-year-old.

It took us forever to grab the kids and walk out the door to leave. As I stood there with one at the door, I saw the mother of the two-year-old trying to peel her off one of the car rides. I see the other 3-year-olds runnning ahead of my friend and jumping on some ride. They obviously didn't want to leave. We get to the front and I say to the lady checking to see if the stamps on all our hands matched, "Oh no no no. I came in alone and I'm leaving alone."

I was in a great mood nonetheless when I left there. Amazing how being around kids can put one in a jolly mood. To be young and carefree again...I tell ya, 3-year-olds have it made.

Spoiled Spoiled Spoiled Washingtonians

Ali: *blink* *blink*
Me: What?
Ali: How do we get to the hotel? It's an hour from the airport and there's no shuttle.
Me: Uhhhhhh. Taxi? That will be a lot for an hours' drive though...we can rent a car...
Ali: hmmmm. No metro here either eh?
Me: Yea, I miss the metro right now.
Ali: *blink blink* *silence* *crickets chirp* *looking around*
Me: *blink blink* *silence* *crickets chirp* *looking around*
Me: For God's sake! Lets stop acting like we've landed on another planet!

Classic

Me: Nice to meet you.
He: Nice hardware.
Me: Excuse me?
He: Nose ring. Nice nose ring.

Insomnia

I wish I could sleep...

hmmmmm

Must be nice...

Friends...

Sit at a diner drinking hot chocolate all night listening and talking about what's bothering them. How to inspire eachother and how to help eachother. And then sing "Yellow" at the top of their voice on the way back driving through the foggy city streets.


Thank You Daniel. I needed that.

Coffee? Right now?

Only Yang would be crazy enought to call me to go for coffee at 1 a.m. Only I would be crazier enough to say, "Sure."

Sisters

Mari:: I'm growing my hair out because people tell me I look like you when its long.

Sashi: I always wear my hair up in a ponytail because I look like you when its up.

Can't sleep...

Headache. Insomnia.

Someone PLEASE make the pain go away...I need a headrub...
But on a better note...

"What exactly do you want?" He asked

*someone who will not give up on me*
*someone who will be able to have a meaningful conversation with me*
*someone who will tell me that he missed me*
*someone who will tell me I'm beautiful, no matter how much I might look like ass*
*someone who will hold me*
*someone who, when I cry, will not say anything and just hold me and listen*
*someone who will laugh at my stupid phuns and jokes*
*someone who will just silently admire me*
*someone who will care about the smallest details*
*someone who will protect me*
*someone who will hold my hand*
*someone who will love taking walks with me*
*someone who will pay attention when I talk*
*someone who will watch football with me*
*someone who will look at me in the eyes everytime he tells me he loves me*
*someone who will not take me for granted*
*someone who will be thankful that I am in his life*
*someone who will call to say "Don't have much time to talk, but just wanted to call you and tell you I was thinking of you"*
*someone who will respect me*
*someone who will love me unconditionally*

That's what I want.
That's what I deserve.
That's I will give back.
I will not settle for anything less.

Ready to give up...

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

--Thomas A. Edison--

2 weeks and 4 days till...

BESSIE!

HOME!

Funny reading of the day

"US Embassy Islamabad, preoccupied with the tasks associated with supporting Operation Enduring Freedom was more surprised than US Embassy New Delhi by the December 13 attack on India's Parliament. Colonel David Smith, the Army attache, and Ambassador Chamberlin were in the office of the Inspector General of Pakistan's Frontier Corps on December 13 when they learned of the attack. Their host had CNN on mute during the meeting. As images of India's Parliament flashed onto the screen, he turned up the sound. Smith and Chamberlin asked for the Inspector General of Pakistan's reaction. "Oops," the General replied."

--Interview with Colonel David Smith (retired), May 26,2005--
US Crisis Management In South Asia's Twin Peaks Crisis
By: Polly Nayak and Michael Krepon

...

"When a lion shows its teeth, do not assume he's smiling at you."
Imperial Life in the Emerald City by Rajiv Chandrasekaran

PMS

"She goes to lunch with me. Orders the biggest burger and fries I've seen. Asks for tobasco sauce. A new bottle arrives. Continues to pour tobasco sauce all over the french fries and the bun. Then puts it on each bite she takes. Then orders a cheesecake and a cup of coffee. Finishes that. Orders another cheesecake. Finishes that. And I'm sitting there the whole time wondering what the hell is wrong with her. By this time there's 1/3 left in the bottle. The waiter takes the bottle away asking if she swam in the tobasco sauce."
--Friend--

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh James

Daniel Craig:::The new 007

InTriGue89: I need your help with something. Are you busy?

WrOngdOerZ: Nope. Just putting up my orgasmic *H* in 'Oh James'. Only to realize that if I were ever with James bond I'd need a LOT more *H's*.

Grandma

I miss my grandmother so much today that I've been listening to her favorite song all day...I wish I was driving around with her in Gilbert running from one store to another doing errands like we did that one day in July. Listening to this song on repeat as loud as we can in the car.

I miss jammin' to this song with Grandma.

Lost

I honestly don't know what to do...

Prayer

Dear God,

When I say nothing. When my heart aches. All the times I've cried when nobody is looking. I know you see me and know what is in my heart.

Help me please.

Love,
Your Ever Humble Servant

Safe

Funny how one particular thing...one moment...one event in the day can make me come to a realization...






I wish I felt safe...

Hopeful?

http://revengeofthenerddd.blogspot.com/2006/10/why-love-blows.html

Not all the time...

sometimes...

sometimes...

not all the time because I try not to...

but sometimes...

ugh!

headache. no medicine.

Happy

Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness.
--Robert Davies

Alone

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were;
I have not seen As others saw;
I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source
I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved,
I loved alone.

--Edgar Allen Poe

Today I feel...

very vulnerable and insecure...

I say this with no remorse whatsoever...

Go Fuck Yourselves!

Hopeless

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you but I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day?
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would
like to say to you but Idon't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me?
You're gonna be the one that saves me?
You're gonna be the one that saves me?



--Oasis--
"Wonderwall"

I miss the nerdiness of Grad School

Auto response from sportsnb: Studies by Bowman (2006) show a strong, significant correlations between happiness and love. This relationship is mediated by the degree of awesomeness of the significant other. Awesomeness is a term defined by Bangus (1969), in his menora study, that discussed the degree to which a woman can completely flip your world upside down.

I L_O_V_E

*Lipton Original Iced Tea with Raspberry

Fall

She said to me exactly what I had predicted. What I had said two days ago would happen. What I knew in the back of my mind, was coming. I hoped that maybe this time it will be different. But I was wrong. I felt numb. Hopeless. Useless to this mere existence of mine. Wondering if there will ever be an end to this reality. I felt like I was chasing my own tail over and over...getting dizzy going in circles until I couldn't tell which way I'm actually supposed to go. I did what I always do...

I get quiet
I look at the ground.
I don't smile.
I can't stop thinking.
Every word out of my mouth suggests a cynical attitude which makes others uneasy.
I wonder if this moment will get better.
I wonder how long I'm going to have to endure this.
I find myself saying the words over and over again, "not good enough, never good enough."
Is there anyone out there who will think I'm good enough?
I find myself wanting to throw everything and everyone around me away because I'm not good enough...so why should they be here?
I wonder if I'll ever find my eutopia I've been working so hard to seek.
I think of everything that I've been through and how much more I have to go through.
I wonder why I keep being tested this way.
Everything I've worked hard to achieve is suddenly washed away.
There's nothing but hopelessness surrounding me.
Nothing anyone can say to make me feel better is good enough.
I just need a moment to let it out so I can move on.

I need to cry it out but I can't...

But that's exactly what I did. I walked in front of them so they wouldn't see me crying. Holding my head down, hiding behind my hair. Trying to wipe the tears on my scarf before they came out of my eyes. But the minute my friend put her hand on my shoulder, noticing the emotions I was trying so hard to hide...I let it out. I wept shamelessly. In front of strangers who stared wondering if they should come up and ask if everything is all right...but couldn't.


My vulnerability embarrasses me.


I tried to forgive myself for being human and feeling intense emotions at that moment; so I just buried my head in my friend's shoulder...and wept. She just held me. Like a friend should...without saying any words or offering any advice at that particular moment because she knew better. I apologized to her for wetting her hair with my tears realizing later that I was crying in my own hair. I sat in the metro with her, wondering what I'm doing in this town. If it was a good idea. If I can justify moving here without any promise given to me. If I can make my hopes a reality. If I will finally be where I want to be. What if I fail? What if I have to go back? I can't go back. I just can't. She tried to offer some words of encouragement. I told her that everything she's saying to me is a cliche and I just need a moment to fall.

Just give me a moment to fall.

We switch lines and I take the metro home without my friend...alone...feeling so alone. I find others staring at me. My eyes suggesting obviousness of the tears that had been there moments ago. I pray that nobody can see through me. I pray that they don't know what's going through my head. I lock eyes with a woman who seems to notice my state. I look away wondering if she can read my mind. Wishing that she can't so she doesn't have to be burdened with my worries. I think of the dream I had where someone was laughing at me while I was crying saying, "She's so silly for crying. She has no clue what's going to happen." I wonder maybe if the woman I locked eyes with is thinking the same thing. Maybe I say that because in the back of my head I know I'll be fine. I'm always fine.

I get home to realize that only I am responsible for myself. Only I can get up again and keep moving...because that's all I can do. Because that's all I have to do. Because I have no other choice.

I have to be strong...because I have no other choice.

I get ready to go out and face the world again with a smile. Amazed at my strength. Maybe I really am stronger than I think I am. Maybe I've just gotten so good at hiding behind my laughter and smiles and jokes that I've even fooled myself.

I leave my apartment...smiling at all the people I pass. Realizing that I won't appreciate the good moments if I didn't go through the bad ones.

I really am strong.

Butterflies

I love seeing these butterflies everywhere.

Some things to remember

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It never was between you and them anyway."

-Mother Teresa

me

happy burrrthdayyy tooo meee
happy burrrthdayyyyy tooo meee
happy burrrthdayyyyyy dear meeee
happy burrthdayyy tooo00 meeeeeee