Ironic

I used to always walk on the National Mall or go have coffee on the White House lawn whenever I felt down and out here to remind myself why I'm in this city and motivate myself.

Today, I don't want to leave my apartment because going outside and looking at the dome of the Capitol, the senate buildings, Union Station, Chinatown, Dupont...will only remind me of how this city is not letting me be a part of it and I know I'll just cry in public (again).

I don't want to leave my place today.

I feel so beaten down today.

One thing after another.

I can't handle it.

I'm done.

A side of me nobody sees, according to Rubina

The tears came so unexpectedly. One minute they weren’t there, the next they shimmered like unexpected guests in her eyes.

I had been sitting there with her for awhile, our talk familiar. We could revisit the same topic 100,000 times yet it never seemed enough. We knew it was cathartic to us, even if it wasn’t particularly useful. Maybe the tears weren’t so startling. Maybe we both knew that they needed to come.

I should have expected them now that I think about it since from the second I saw her standing outside my office, I immediately noted how lonely she looked standing in the middle of the sidewalk giving me a weak smile. She told me that she was tired from walking around the city all day showing her guest around town yet there was more…something about those saucer sized eyes of her. They not only reflected her exhaustion but a certain weariness of the soul, her sorrow, her repressed sadness.

We grabbed coffee, found seats outside in the beautiful warmish/coolish evening, settling down for a good chat. She spoke of being content, of being glad with all that had transpired in the last few days. She said that she had come to a certain understanding and that she was good. I believed her this time. I knew she was good and that even if the enormity of what had happened hadn’t yet settled in, it would and soon. She needed that moment to sit and talk about it, to ponder and mull and figure things out. I was happy to be there for her.

Her eyes are truly the mirrors of her soul. Those eyes of hers…those damn eyes…they spoke volumes of her inner struggles and pains. And when the tears fell, like mercury glittering in the light of the street lamps, her head tipped forward to an angle so that they did not run down her cheeks, her index finger knuckle swiping them away as if they didn’t belong there, that they were unwanted.

The tears fell only for seconds, moments even. Yet in those moments, she was more vulnerable than any other moments that we’ve shared together. Of course there were plenty of such similar instances where I saw the soft vulnerability show itself, peaking around the corner of her exaggerated laughter, loud voice, silly bantering but this time it was different. The shadows of night half hid her face and to me, she looked so lost and exposed with her long hair pulled back into a ponytail. My heart broke for her. She’s a woman, a woman learns to accept and push back the pain and smile through it and even wish well those who caused her nothing but unimaginable heartache."

One day, her tears will be rewarded, every single last one of them. Allah will send to her someone who deserves the unbelievable woman that she is and he will be the man who looks at her and murmurs to himself, "I'm the luckiest SOB on earth." And I know without a doubt, he will be.

My Gay Muslim Husband

WrOngdOerZ: *poke*
WrOngdOerZ: *poke*
WrOngdOerZ: *poke*
WrOngdOerZ: *poke*
HeresUrSign425: *heehee!*
HeresUrSign425: *heehee!*
HeresUrSign425: *heehee!*
HeresUrSign425: *heehee!*
HeresUrSign425: how are you, my love??
WrOngdOerZ: *blows hearts in the air*
WrOngdOerZ: *butterflies in belly*
WrOngdOerZ: *thinking of your face*
WrOngdOerZ: *smiles*
WrOngdOerZ: *missing you*
HeresUrSign425: awww
HeresUrSign425: *smiles, stares longingly...*
HeresUrSign425: BAM! *OUCH!!!*
HeresUrSign425: one of your hearts hit me in the eye
WrOngdOerZ: *walks up and kisses your eye*
WrOngdOerZ: *muah*
HeresUrSign425: hehe awww
WrOngdOerZ: tee hee
WrOngdOerZ: *giggles*
WrOngdOerZ: *giggles*
WrOngdOerZ: i wuv youuuuuuuuuuuuuu
WrOngdOerZ: *blink blink blink blink*
HeresUrSign425: i love you tooooooooooooo
WrOngdOerZ: *blink*
WrOngdOerZ: *blink*
HeresUrSign425: haha are you batting your eyes at me?
WrOngdOerZ: *walks up to you*
WrOngdOerZ: *blink*
WrOngdOerZ: *blink*
WrOngdOerZ: *smiles*
HeresUrSign425: oh my God....
HeresUrSign425: I'm cured!
HeresUrSign425: I'm in love with a girl!
WrOngdOerZ: *reaches up*
WrOngdOerZ: *puts hand back*
WrOngdOerZ: BITCH SLAPS YOUR HEAD...
WrOngdOerZ: where the HELL have you been!
WrOngdOerZ: and why have you ignored me?
HeresUrSign425: hell hath no fury...

Oh Mushy! Boy Blue! Flower Boy!

LOVE LOVE LOVE this weeks' cover of my Economist!

...

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath...

-Regina Spektor-

...

i have nothing to say. disappearing for a bit.

ciao.

...

This is what they used it for...

Here's the original with subtitles.

This has always been my song.

The narcissistic freak in me pretends that this song was written especially for her. This is my song.
It has always been my song. I can never get sick of it.

We're Washingtonians!

WOO HOO! Its official! Lolita and I are D.C. residents.

Ode to Regina

THE COOLEST BESTEST AND GREATEST mail carrier.

I LOVE HER!

She went to the depths of hell and back and FOUND my package in a sweet little corner...crying, waiting for me.

I LOVE HER!

I HAVE MY PASSPORT!

PRAISE GOD!

gut-wrenching-heart-beating-uneasy-feeling thought of the day

Dude...Where's my passport??!?!!

=|

Lies

Him: I'm ok. You?
Me: I'm fantastic!

No Food for 8 Hours Coma

*walking down the street*
Her: So he said...
Me: What did he say?
Her: HE said...
Me: OMG look at that!! *Points in excitement*
Her: *sigh*
Me: Okay so what did he say?
Her: He said...
Me: Wow, check that out...*points at something else*
Her: *bigger badder sigh* You've got ADD
Me: I do not!
Her: Yes you do.
Me: I so do...oh wow, look at that...
Her: *shakes head and keeps walking*

(Rubina found out first hand what happens when I don't eat on time)

Bloody Hell!

Are you Kidding me?

Eid Cuteness!

I saw her at the Eid event at ASU. She made me stop in my tracks. "OH MY GAWD! YOU ARE SO ADORABLE! I LOVE YOUR OUTFIT!" She just stared at me with those doe eyes as if to say, 'Who are you and why are you yelling at me?"

Her Mother just stood there smiling. I sat down and said to her, "I love your outfit." She looked at her dress and pointed at it and just twirled in it. My Mom and I were just giggling at this cute display of adorableness!

I had butterflies in my belly. I hoped that one day God will bless me with a daughter like that. Then I wondered if I'll ever be blessed with a daughter like that? And I almost felt sad.

I later saw that little doll with her Dad. She waved at me again as I walked by. I was so giddy that she remembered me.

...

For the first time ever, I'm not looking forward to going back to D.C. I feel like a kid on the first day of school. I don't want to go right now. I know I'll go back to the same mental exhaustion that has become my life there. I will go back to trying and not getting anywhere. I can't stop crying. I feel stressed and I'm dreading my flight tomorrow. I feel miserable inside. I feel like I have nothing to go back to right now. Nothing.

Happy Eid everyone.

Neeraj's Big 30th Birthday Party

Dear All,

God Dammit It Was a Good Time!

First of all to the people that organized it 'cause I know it ain't easy to throw me a surprise party: Elena, Morgan & Chris (love the punch), Madiha, Melinda

Thank you all for the surprise party and those who missed it .... man did you pick the wrong party to miss! I mean where will you find:

- Madiha's lost world! Well, everything !!! Shoes ended up in NYC the next day, earrings in Pentagon City and let's not mention what else she lost.
- Jane passed out after a shot for 90% of the time and then crawling into a car.
- Joe pissed in his bed. He says someone poured water... but none of us did it ...so...
- Smriti's drunk flirtatious rampage
- Yes, I was WASTED...and walked home wasted!
- Me batting with a shovel
- Vinod was meditating on the side of the house
- Elena looking for a motorboat operator.
- Rupendra ..I don't know what happened to him after flip cup...
- Sasha's failed attempt to escape three times.
- Samir's short lived modeling profession
- Nubha's lesbian experience
- Jen and Arsalan dressed up for the occasion. If Jen passed out with her clothes on.. you know it was a party.

Halloween is next!

Love,

Neeraj

Ouch!

Mom: You need to get rid of this hard exterior shell you carry with you everywhere. That's why men don't talk to you or approach you.
Me: :::Blinks:::
Mom: What?
Me: I cannot believe those words came out of your mouth. My friends say that to me, I can't believe my mother is saying the same thing.
Mom: Well its true.

I Absolutely Love...

going to Einstein Bros. Bagels with my Mom early in the morning. We sit there in our pajamas having a hot cup of Vanilla Hazelnut coffee, discussing things around us and just enjoying each others' company early in the morning.

Home

I was up at 2:30 a.m. to get ready to head home. Yang is in D.C. for the week and was kind enough to take me to the airport bright and early at 5:00 a.m. My flight left at 6:30 a.m. I had given my information to Sarvat after realizing that *nobody* knew where I was going to be and maybe it was a good idea to let at least one family member know where I'm disappearing to...just in case. I have no idea why I have such lousy luck in flights from Arizona to D.C. The last 3 flights have found me stuck in the middle seat, even after I requested an isle seat, and listening to a kid screaming almost the whole flight. I finally made it to Phoenix after a connection in Cincinnati. They even had the new Harry Potter movie on the way to Phoenix. Woo Hoo. Of course I paid attention for the first 5 minutes in the movie and then fell asleep.

I got to Phoenix airport and sent a text to Sarvat to let her know I get there safe. I then text my Mom letting her know that my phone was off because the battery had died.

*cheeky*

I took a cab from the airport and was on the phone with Mom while the taxi was making its way to the office. I told her that I had just walked into the office and had to hung up. I was cursing the cab rates in Phoenix but didn't care. I walked into Baba's office and was thankful that there were no patients. The front was deserted which gave me time to walk through the back door without being noticed. Mom was sitting up front, I just walked to the front and said, 'ok what were you saying about tomorrow?'and my mom's jaw was on the floor. She was in such shock that I was standing there. After hangin' out with the office staff Mom and I drove home to surprise Grandma.

My initial plan was to go home but I didn't have the code to the gates into the neighborhood so I decided to change my plan and go to the office, knowing I will have a car from there.

I parked the car in the garage and walked to the kitchen. Grandma was in the kitchen cooking and I walked in simply stating, 'What are you cooking? I'm starving'. Of course her jaw hit the floor also and she said exactly what I predicted: SHA! She was so happy.

I went out to lunch with Mom and the office staff and on the way back was laughing at being home because Mom told me to stop at the bank and was cursing why I was driving because I couldn't focus because of my tiredness.

I parked the car in the garage and noticed that Baba was home. I walked around the house and couldn't find him. Then I heard Baba walk in the house. I simply walked up to him and just started discussing paperwork for my passport with him. He was staring at me like a deer in headlights. He asked me why Mom had said that I couldn't make it. I said because that's what I wanted her to believe and that I had already booked my flight here though I said I couldn't make it. He simply smiled and hugged me and said he was glad I was here.

Shawn is not home as of yet. He has no clue I'm here. I just spoke to him on AIM, he and Alice are in the library at ASU.

I napped in my room this evening. I was woken up by Mom telling me that dinner was almost ready. Mom and I walked to the backyard in the grassy area. I plopped down in the grass and continued napping there for another 10 minutes before going inside for dinner. It was nice to listen to the birds, have peace and quiet and just sit in my own backyard.

I haven't been home since March. I missed home. I missed just being ... home. I missed my Grandmother, Mom and Baba and Shawn. I couldn't stand spending Eid without them this year.

I still have to take care of clips every morning for the campaign. This means getting up early (5:00 a.m. in D.C) but since I'm three hours behind, I'm going to get up at 2:30 to get the clips together and have to have e-mails sent out by 4:30 a.m. Then I can sleep in again and this time not have to be anywhere.

Dear World:
Go to hell for all I care right now. I'm home with family this week.
Cheers,
Me

HOMESICK!

Tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. Phoenix time, my flight will land at Sky Harbor Airport. I will get in a cab and go straight to Baba's office. My family has no idea I'm surprising them.

I can't wait!

Discovery Channel

Tom: I saw him corner you and I was thinking: Oh brother! Here we go.
Josh: Yea, I was like, Get the hell away from her.
Tom: Watching men trying to pick up on you is like an episode from the Discovery Channel: The alpha male approaches the superior female, watch how he is immediately rejected!

My Mom is Sooooo Adorable

"Buy yourself some lunch. From: Ma"

(a note with a 20 dollar bill included in the FedEx package from my Mom)

My Soon-to-be Dating Life

What Kind of Guy Will You Fall For?
	You would fall for the gentleman. Keep an eye out for your love at your next formal or field trip to the opera. Watch out for bad boys who walk on the inside of the curb and don't hold the door for you, and you'll end up with the guy who's suave, sophisticated, and classy through-and-through.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

I Love You Tom!

HeresUrSign425: yeah josh said something about going out to eat w/ people for something-i-can't-pronounce (surprise surprise)-that-deals-with-ramadan (or however you spell it - surprise surprise again...)

HeresUrSign425: i'm the worst muslim wife EVER.

Oui

What City Should You Live In?
	You should live in Paris. The city of lights will appeal to your appreciation of beauty and romance. You are a lover and a poet by nature, and Paris' sensitive charms will be a perfect match for yours.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

Dear Weekend: Where Did You Go?

Woke up feeling queasy. .Soooo sleepy. I have a case of the Mondays. Just not motivated. I think I'm getting sick. I need to sleep in. Why can't I sleep in? I'm tired, sooo tired today. I spent Saturday helping her all day, and Sunday helping him all day. I didn't have a singly minute to myself this weekend. I feel like I've been giving and giving and not recharging. I woke up mentally and physically exhausted because I never had *ME* time this weekend. I feel overwhelmed instead of relaxed.

I need an alone day before I lose my mind.

Too late.

...

My cousin died hours before he was supposed to be born. The umbilical cord wrapped around his neck and choked him, by the time my aunt got to the hospital and the doctors figured out what was happening, it was too late. This was 10 years ago. Tonight, after years, for a split second his beautiful face went through my mind and I dearly missed a family member I never met.

God Bless his soul.

Ever

Don't ever tell me how to act, how to be, how to feel, how to say things and how to get over things. Don't ever tell me that my experiences or what I have seen in my life so far, what I have been through, or how much I've cried, is insignificant. Never EVER make the mistake of disrespecting and criticizing me, my life, and my experiences like that. Never make me feel like my experiences are insignificant or not good enough. To you they may be nothing, to me its everything that has made me what I am today. I am hopeful for my future but I will never forget what happened to me. Nobody can expect me to.

Ever.

Sacrifice

Hello my friend
We meet again
It's been a while
Where should we begin?
Feels like forever
Within my heart
Are memories
Of perfect love that
You gave to me
Oh, I remember
When you are with me
I'm free, I'm careless
I believe
Above all the others
We'll fly
This brings tears
To my eyes
My sacrifice

We've seen our share
Of ups and downs
Oh, how quickly life
Can turn around
In an instant
It feels so good to reunite
Within yourself and
Within your mind
Let's find peace there

'Cause when you are
With me
I'm free, I'm careless
I believe
Above all the others
We'll fly
This brings tears
To my eyes
My sacrifice

I just want to
Say hello again
I just want to
Say hello again

When you are with me
I'm free, I'm careless
I believe
Above all the others
We'll fly
This brings tears
To my eyes

'Cause when you are
With me
I'm free, I'm careless
I believe
Above all the others
We'll fly
This brings tears
To my eyes
My sacrifice
My sacrifice

(I just want to
Say hello again)
I just want to
Say hello again

My sacrifice

--Creed--

...

Good lord woman! You can't leave this country! It only took me 34 years to find you!
--Rubina--

I'm the Cats' Meow

Rubina: Look at you swaying your hips from side to side as you walk.
*makes fun of me*
Me: Ummm. That's how I walk.
Rubina: Oh.
Me: I walk the catwalk of life baby.
*shakey*
*shakey*
*shakey*
*shakey*

I miss my (real) roomate!

"I had a dream that we finally saw each other, and just cried. we laughed and cried for like 20 minutes then I woke up so I will be visiting soon. I miss you too much."
--Kita--

GO CHUNG!

WrOngdOerZ: you forgot the "want cookies?" at the end though

miamiparadiso: i should have said that when they didn't put up my third graphic and said, "what? rushing me with my graphics so i can go bake you cookies?"

I'm SO proud of you!

I miss Your Sweetness

WrOngdOerZ: did you go on the air yet?

miamiparadiso: not yet, saturday

WrOngdOerZ: i'm sure you're so sweet that even if you go 'yeaaaaaa there's a tornado coming. people will go 'ohhhh okay' instead of 'OHHHHH SHIT' cause of your sweet way you'd say it: "Tornado on the way. Cookies anyone?"
miamiparadiso: okay i'm dying from laughter here babe

WrOngdOerZ: i can see it now. "oh you're all going to DIE...try the chocolate covered ones."

miamiparadiso: "there's baseball sized hail, but if you survive, i'm making my homemade lasagna tonight and it's to DIE for!"

In a Rut

It seems that no matter how much I throw stuff away, how much I organize my room, how much I try to lighten the load, I still don't feel at peace. Something is not right and I can't figure out what exactly is bothering me. I have no clue what is wrong with me. I can't get rid of this restless feeling. I don't feel inspired.

Clueless

I wish I could just shut it off but unfortunately I can't. I want to but I can't. I decided to go out with friends tonight instead of sitting in my room and crying and was glad I did it because a night on the dance floor and the walk home in the rain was nice. He kissed me when he walked me to my door. It was nice but I think I'm so miserable in everything around me and trying so hard to figure out where I need to go that I can't get that part of me to turn on. I can't get myself in tune with someone else. I have no idea what is wrong with me. I have no clue how to get myself back to where I used to be excited about the possibility of someone new or the excitement of that 'crush.' That part of me is so dead and not open to anything. I hate what I've become. I hate that I can't just...be. I am so unhappy in my current situation that I don't think anything can please me. I hate that I anticipate what tomorrow will bring and dread it because I know that it will be another battle for me. Every single day in this city has been a battle for me, from moving here to school, to job hunting, to trying to figure out where to go to how to handle the people I meet here every single day. I honestly have no idea what to do. I want to escape and just not worry about anything around me and yet I can't. I don't know how to turn things off. I don't know what my future in this city will be anymore. I don't know if I picked the right city anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. I am praying again. I hadn't prayed for so long that I can't find my prayer rug. I was crying when I was looking for it because I knew that I had lost so much faith that I had lost track of the one thing that used to sit outside in my room. I hope God can forgive me for the things that I have done wrong in my life. I hope that I find the happiness that I have been so desperately trying to seek. I hope that one day I will wake up and never remember what I have been through in this city for the last year. I hope that one day I will be walking hand in hand with the man who is brave enough to not give up on me and I hope that I will have that job that I had always wanted. I am hoping and praying so hard for these things that I can't even keep track of my thoughts and prayers anymore. I feel so restless all the time and feel this sudden urge to run away and be anywhere but here. I want to just *feel* again. I can't find my peace of mind because every time I do, I lose it. I am so tired of being so strong all the time and pretending like I am okay with everything around me or that I am happy. I hate it when I dress up and look *perfect* because when they see me all they see is this person who, to them, probably has everything together when they have no idea that I feel like nothing around me is together and sometimes things fall apart, including my stupid dresser. My room is randomly flooding. I hate that I have two HUGE wet spots in my room and they just keep getting bigger. I hate that I feel so incomplete right now because everything around me is incomplete right now. I feel so incomplete. I feel so empty. I feel so lonely. I feel like such a failure. I feel so not good enough for anything. You can see it in my face. They saw it in my face tonight. They said I was unusually quiet. I said I was tired. I'm sick of making excuses for myself and why I'm not *me* and why I'm so pensive all the time and why I am just so uneasy all the time. I wish I felt safe. I wish I felt secure. I wish I felt loved. I wish I felt like there was something waiting for me at the other end for me to work towards because right now I feel like I'm drowning and there is no light at the end and I feel so uneasy. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know where to go or who to turn to because I am tired of talking and venting about the same shit over and over again. I'm sick of having the same damn conversations about job, love, life, future to everyone. They just don't get it. Nobody does. I'm sick of taking it one day at a time and telling myself to be patient because I have been patient long enough. I am sick and tired of getting out of bed everyday. I am sick and tired of trying so hard and struggling everyday to get somewhere in this city. I am sick and tired of just being me. I am sick of me. My stupid parking sticker expires on the 29th and I have no clue what I'm going to do since I'm not in school this semester and I've been claiming classes to keep my AZ license plate and not switch it to DC. I am sick of worrying about stuff. I am sick of thinking. I am sick of people not giving me enough credit for my brain in this city and just staring at me like I'm a stupid piece of meat and am going to flip my hair and giggle like a flake any second. I am sick of people belittling me because they're too STUPID to have an analytical conversation and the only way they have to make themselves feel better about their stupid existence is by quoting me stupid facts that anyone can get off the internet. I'm sick of being an adult and accepting that life is hard and that I need to toughen up. I'm tough enough dammit. I can't even find a single decent person to vent to because everyone is either busy with their girlfriends or happily busy in their own lives. I am alone. I feel so incredibly alone. I try to vent and say I had a bad day but I only get a simple, "sorry" response which reminds me of my boundaries and makes me remember that I have no reason to speak to this person or anyone else for that matter. Nobody wants to talk to a negative person. Nobody wants to listen to the same complaint over and over again. Nobody wants to share the burden that I have. They are too busy tending to their own perfect lives or their girlfriends or husbands or wives or lovers or friends. Which makes me realize even more that sometimes I really have *nobody* to turn to. You are so lucky that you have that person to hold you. That person that you go home to or that person that you feel close to. I'm glad you found that and I'm glad you are happy and I'm glad that you feel content in what you have in your life. I have nobody. Every fuckin' morning when I have to get my ass out of bed and face the fuckheads in this city alone and make it through a day alone is tough enough for me and I'm sick and tired of people telling me that it will make me stronger. I am as strong as I can be, I have no idea what the hell else they want me to do or how tougher they want me to get. I have no idea what kind of a person I will be in the next year because this city has turned me into a hard bitch. I have no idea what else I'm supposed to do to become a better person. I have no idea what will become of me. I have no clue as to what the hell tomorrow will bring and I have no clue what the hell I'm going to do if I get rejected from the FS exam I just took...I have no fuckin' clue. I have no clue what happened to all that was good inside of me. To quote Disturbed: " It seems that all that was good has died and is decaying in me."

I feel so dead inside. I'm hoping something changes before the outside catches up.

...

i hate today. i want it to be over already. i wish i could disappear.

i just want to disapper.

My New (Overpriced) Phone

She is my new toy and according to Lindsey, she is French, like my alter ego. I have just named her Armelle.

"Table for One."

He looked at me like I was from another planet. I knew what he was thinking. That's what they always think. That's what they always asked me. They always wondered how I could be there alone? How I could have the courage to sit there in a restaurant full of people and eat alone? I walk by this place all the time and stare at their outdoor seating area. I had read their menu once and wanted so much to try it out.

"Next time I have a hot date, I'm going to make him bring me here," I had told her a while ago smiling to myself.

But I know that waiting for that hot date will take a while so I decided to go there on a 'date' with myself. Pathetic you might say. To be honest, I have gotten used to eating alone at restaurants , especially the nice ones. I treat myself because I know that I won't have a 'date' all the time like others will. I don't have that someone that others, like you, have so easily found. I don't have someone to go home to. I don't have someone to take to my friends' barbecues to. I don't have a date when I show up to places. I walk alone. I eat alone. I am alone.

I tell them that I treat myself to a fancy meal because I'm fabulous.
I'm lying. I do it because...well, there is nobody to wine and dine me and take me out to a fancy meal and make me feel like a million bucks. I have to make myself feel like a million bucks. I have to tell myself that I'm worth appreciating. I'm worth loving. I'm worthy taking a chance with. I'm worth coming after. I'm worthy enough to one day have what everyone around me has...someone who loves them and isn't afraid to tell them that. I'm worthy of all of that. But that can be so hard sometimes when I'm the only one screaming it in my own head. I look around and there's...

nothing.

Wow! What I just said was absolutely PATHETIC. I know. But that is my reality. Pity me? No. That is me. I don't date around and prefer to be with someone I feel very strong for; which also means many lonely moments.

"Table for one?" He asked.
"Yes please," I replied smiling at him.

He gave me the same look I've gotten before- the one that the woman at the planetarium had given me the first week I moved to D.C. when I went to the Einstein Planetarium on my own and purchased a ticket for one. The same look that they give me when I go to a movie and ask for a ticket for one for a showing.

They let me lead the way to decide where I wanted to sit. I stared at all the empty tables outside and chose one at the furthest end from the only other patrons at the restaurant. It was slightly breezy and sunny, a beautiful day to be in the shade; really warm in the sun.

The server walked up to me and asked, "Where's your date?"
"I am my own date," I said to him smiling, hoping that my smile didn't reveal my sadness or how sorry I really felt for myself at that moment.

"Filet Mignon, medium well please," I said.

I enjoyed my meal in peace and quiet, minus the two phone calls I made to catch up with Lindsey, as it was her first day at work. I also called Rubina to see what she was up to, turns out she was going on hour 4 of a lunch meeting. It sounded like she and her co-workers were all having a great time.

I hung up the phone. I took a bite of my steak. Then another. Then another. Then a thought hit me that hurt the most and made me literally stop chewing.

What if I am that person who is always the one who is alone at a table at restaurants? That one person you see in a crowded restaurant that is sitting there by him/herself eating their meal alone. I suddenly found that I couldn't eat anymore and was thankful that I was at the end of my meal. I just chewed on the bread and waited for the server to walk over asking me if I was finished.

"All finished Ma'am?" He asked.
"Yes. Thank you." I replied.

I paid the bill and left. I walked to the benches in front of the White House and observed the atmosphere there for a bit. I then went home, thankful that I had a 'date' with myself, but still wondering if there would ever be anyone sitting across from me in the other chair in the near future.

So the next time you are out with your significant other, remember this:

Indulge in great conversation. Make them laugh. Be good to them. Love them. Don't ever let them go. Appreciate every single thing about them. Don't ever take the love they feel for you for granted. Always be thankful that there is someone out there who thinks you are worth spending time with, someone who tells you that you are on their mind. Always be thankful that there is someone out there who will hold your hand and hold you and comfort you when you need it the most. Always be thankful that there is someone there to kiss you. Always be thankful that there is someone there to hold you. Always be thankful that there is someone there who tells you that he/she loves you. Always be thankful that you have that because the table is set for one when you don't have that and its very lonely to stare at that empty chair across from you. No matter how confident one is in their life, no matter how much they try to be independent, always remember that nobody wants to be lonely and nobody wants to eat alone.

...

There's nothing like taking a long walk and getting wet in the rain to clear my mind. It's a rainy day in the Capitol.

I Love the Parentals

Mom: Your grandmother and I will be in Pakistan from November until January.
Me: I'm trying to figure out when to take a trip to Phoenix soon so I can see you.
Mom: Shawn will be in Pakistan with us in December.
Me: Nice.
Mom: Zeshan and Sarvat are also coming for 2 weeks in December.
Me: Ohhh...
Mom: So is Baba.
Me: *stops walking* WAIT! Are you telling me that I am the *only* one who will be on this continent on Eid?
Mom: Yes. We all are celebrating Eid in Pakistan this year.
Me: Well that SUCKS! I want to go too.

*LATER IN THE EVENING MY PHONE RINGS*

Me: *chatting away with Baba about stuff*
Baba: Hmmm.
Me: I'm taking the FS exam tomorrow.
Baba: Hmmm.
Me: I heard you all are going to Pakistan.
Baba: Yes.
Me: I want to go.
Baba: Too bad you said you couldn't go.
Me: But I want to go now. I'll be the only one here while you all are all there! Pleeeeease!
Baba: *silent*
Me: *silent*
Baba: Your flight is booked from December 18th till January 4th.
Me: NOOOOO WAYYYYYY *jumps around*
Baba: We're going in India to Rampur, then the Taj Mahal and then Karachi and then London on the way back.
Me: *jaw drops to floor*
Baba: Take your passport to the Pakistani and Indian Embassies and get your visa.
Me: *nods*
Me: I mean...Okay!
Baba: I'll mail you Shawn's passport also.
Me: okay.
Baba: okay. Bye.
Me: THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU!
Baba: Hmmm.

Friday Night With the Girls

Me: I have a soft pain. This constant pain that comes and goes on my right side. I know what it is. OMG! I'm ovulating!
Rubina: Good Lord Woman! Whatever do you, don't say that out loud when you get inside because no man would talk to you.
Lindsey: She's fertile!

Rubina was driving. I was in the passenger in the front seat. Lindsey was in the back seat. What happened next is hilarious!

...

There's a hole in my soul you fill, whether you know it or not. I'm not saying I want you, I'm just saying I wish I had spent more time getting to know you. I still don't know what makes you tick. And yet, you're simply you. -My friend, Mike-

...

may she find
all the happiness in the world
that she deserves,
may she thrive and smile
and laugh and love without restrictions
may she dance by the light of the full moon
with her hair flowing down her back
and tears of joy sparkling in her eyes

--Rubina--

Bus

"Men are like that when it comes to women. If it doesn't work out with one then its okay because there's another bus coming in fifteen minutes."
--Him--

He might be right. But I hope that every single man doesn't think that way, though past experience has taught me otherwise. I guess I will always be the eternal optimist. The eternal romantic. That's what makes me different than him. That's what makes me cry over my broken heart and yet thankful that I at least have my principles when it comes to who I give my heart to. It's been a year and one month for me in D.C. and I have only fancied one person in that last year. I did have that one moment where I thought I was ready to hop on the next bus but thank God for knowing myself and realizing that it wasn't what I wanted to do. I didn't want to date just for the sake of dating. I would much rather sit here and think fondly of one person than meet a dozen who are generically trying to impress me or I'm trying to fool myself into thinking that I am actually interested in what they have to say. Until I run into another who can sweep me off my feet like he did and make me forget his name, I'd much rather wait than go bus hopping. I recently read this quote and it made me smile because her words described my feelings to a tee.

"I don't want to date. I'm interested in a very, very deep connection."
-Nicole Kidman-

Memory

I was walking past the Library of Congress on my way back today. To my left was the U.S. Capitol. I stared at it for a couple of seconds and as I approached the corner of East Capitol to turn right, a Monarch Butterfly fluttered past me, landing on the flowers in full bloom. I caught a sniff of the flowers' fragrance. I was taken back in my mind to the day when I first moved here and walked around that corner with my brother and saw a Monarch butterfly and smelled those fragrant flowers. I remembered how I had smiled to myself thinking how lucky I was to finally move to this city. I remembered how I had felt so lucky that I would walk here all the time. I remember that it was one of my blog entries when I moved to D.C., to celebrate the butterflies. I felt this burst of emotion coming out of me as I suddenly realized that I might have to give this up. I might not be able to walk on this sidewalk and enjoy watching the butterflies on those flowers on that corner again. I suddenly had a sad feeling like I would have to leave this place because I failed it. I failed myself. I failed. I couldn't stop the tears and sobbed all the way home, thankful that my sunglasses hid my eyes. I'm trying so hard. I'm getting nowhere. When? That's what I've been asking God all day today.

When will it be my turn?

...

Dear God,

When?

Your ever humble servant,

Me

...

I wish she had just let me say what I was saying at that time instead of calling me out on my bullshit. I told her that if I said it long enough, I might just start believing it. I hate it when someone knows me so well that they know when I'm saying something because I truly believe it or am saying it to fool myself. She did that to me today on the way to Georgetown. Last week she kept calling me knowing something was wrong.

"I know you. When you are upset, you bitch about stuff. When something is *really* bothering you, you are quiet, and you've been really really quiet all week. That's why I'm calling."
--Lindsey--

She called me every single day last week to check up on me. To just talk to me. To ask me how my day was going. To talk to me about the most random stuff so I didn't feel so alone. To let me know that she was there for me. I love her, very much. I love that I don't even have to say anything about what's bothering me, she can just tell.

That's how you know you are in the company of good friends who won't walk out on you when you feel like the rest of the world abandons you. When you keep yourself cooped up in your little cave because you don't want to deal with what's going on on the outside. When you don't want to talk about what's bothering you because you know it will start this domino effect that won't stop. When you don't feel like being around people or talking to anyone, there's that one friend who is stubborn enough to not let you do that. There were two who did that and I just met one of them a month ago and already we are so close that it feels like we've known eachother forever.

"You two are so alike, its like you two are sisters from a long lost sperm."
--Fran, about me and Rubina--

I honestly love this woman. She is funny, beautiful, genuine and so incredibly sweet. I love that I felt comfortable enough to invite myself to her house and ended up staying there until 2 a.m. last Thursday night. I love that we prayed together and cried together. I love that after our crying session, we lightened the mood by discussing cheezy bollywood movies and promised to have a bollywood cheezy movie night at her house. I love that she sent Madiha an e-mail telling her that we all should break fast together when Ramadan starts.

Her: So here's the e-mail I just sent Madiha.
Me: Ok. Reading this e-mail, I take it you are asking her out.
Her: SHUT UP! THAT IS NOT WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE!
Me: Tee Hee!

I love this girl. I love Lindsey. I am freakin' crazy about them. They recently saved me. Their friendship saved me.

Blunt Bitch

I've never seen this side of you. I like it. I want you to be more like that when you're around me.
--Madiha--

It was a fabulous weekend filled with lots and lots of inside jokes about muffins, fuckitch, sea gulls, and men who couldn't remember that they had already hit on us.

Him: You ladies seem to be here alone.
Me: No we're not.
Him: Ok then I'll go now.
Me: Thanks.

*later that night*

Him: Its too bad you ladies are dancing alone.
Me: We've been through this already.

"The worst was when I saw two sea gulls f***ing in a trash can. It was the most awful thing I've ever seen. I can hear them now, REEEEWAAAAA REEEAWWWWAAAA."

Irene: Oh my goodness. Look at her pants. They are so tight. That is so fuckitch.
Me: Holy crap! If you listen carefully, you can hear her ass hole screaming for mercy.
Irene: FREEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOMMMM!

The guy with the orange speedo who constantly kept putting his hands in his pants to get sand out and didn't realize that he was mooning everyone. We watched this disgusting display in horror for about 15 minutes; unable to look away from what was taking place.

Madiha: There was this Asian family eating noodles sitting behind him while he was trying to pull something out of his butt. His ass was showing. They all looked horrified. They left.

Sand Muffins, bird muffins, feather muffins, toe nailpolish muffins. (every-single-thing-we-can-think-of-muffins)

Brent: Wow! That bathroom smells like a hundred crabs just farted in there.

Madiha: Naveed was snoring so loud last night that Irene woke up, walked out and kicked him in the head to tell him to shut up.

My PERSONAL favorite was when Irene, Madiha and Brent sang Happy Birthday to me at midnight by the shore...and then Irene flashed me. I have it on video and unfortunately cannot show it to anyone. Also on video is the girls' bootie dance in honor for my birthday while they're sunning themselves.

Madiha looks like a lobster and Irene looks like a marble cake.

Putting us three in O.C. atmosphere was like an episode from Sex in the City where you take the city girls out of the city and put them in the Suburbs. They are the most awkward ones there...well that was us three at the stupid club we went to Saturday night. I still have no idea whose idea that was...the bartenders were all women in their underwear, the guys were desperately hitting on anything that walked. Irene, Madiha and I were in our own circle jammin' to footloose while Irene flicked Madiha with the mint from her Mojito. That dude with the goat hair on his face walked up and tried to hit on us again. It was hilarious. I'm glad the four of us left and decided to walk the boardwalk...where we found another place and Irene and Madiha decided to continue the Muffin extravaganza. On the way back Brent asked me if we could just sell them.

And lets not forget the whole day we spent on the beach on my birthday, flirting with Anthony. Oh my goodness...all of us had uttered these words by the end of the day:

Can I take him home?
He is so adorable.
If you shake the waterbottle, he might come and play.

We walked to the dock to enjoy the sunset and Naveed attacked us with the camera and turned the photo session into a 'wanna be' modeling session. We did our best and had fun with it...of course there is always the picture where Madiha looks like her face is growing between my arm and Irene looks like she is licking my elbow. Madiha, Brent and Irene got a birthday cake for me which we enjoyed after dinner at the cottage. Then we walked on the boardwalk that night and Naveed grabbed me and danced with me. It was sweet and a little birthday present from him. We put our cameras on every setting possible to take pictures of ourselves in the dark with the moon and water in the background. I think they turned out really artsy.

Bottom line is that it was a great weekend. Started a little rough on the drive there, needless to say, but it turned out to be a fun-filled weekend. Madiha summed it up best with this sentence: Oh my God! I've been laughing for the last three days, my jaw is going to fall off.

Oh and traffic was awful on the way back. A 2.5 hour drive took us 5 hours. But on a cooler note, Lolita hit 100,000 miles on the way back! We all clapped for her and thanked her for not flipping over and killing us on the way to The O.C. Saturday.

Good car!

Happy Birthday to Me

Happy birthday you beautiful, confident, successful, strong, amazing woman YOU!

Panicattackistan Part II

The drive went smooth until 5 miles outside of Ocean City. We were on a one-lane highway heading towards our destination. We're coasting at about 60 mph when in front of us a woman (stupid idiot with a mullet) decided to make a left. All I saw was the white mustang turning in front us. I hear Madiha and Irene scream in the back seat and I grabbed the dashboard waiting for the hit. Brent swerved the car in a grassy ditch area to the right of the road. My car literally flew in the ditch and I was waiting for it to flip over. The car stopped and I see the woman stopping and getting out of her car. I was frozen. She walks over and says, "are you ok?' Before I realized what I was doing I screamed, "You almost hit my car! You almost killed us! How the fuck do you think we are?"

I stepped out of the car, shaking, crying. That image going in my head over and over again. I was literally hyperventilating. The image of what could've happened kept going through in my head over and over again. I felt Brent walk up and hold me. All I kept saying was, "I can't stop shaking." I had some water, sat in the backseat and was crying and shaking and holding Madiha's hand the whole way to the hotel. I called my mother and told her what happened. We both were thankful that Brent was driving and his quick thinking saved all of our lives. I truly believe there was an angel looking out for us. That was the reason I felt the way I felt on the bridge and turned the car over to Brent to drive the rest of the way.

We all truly escaped death yesterday. That feeling stayed with me all day and I was just...quiet the rest of the day.

But on a happier note, the trip is fun and we're all sitting around having coffee and bagles making fun of all the characters we saw yesterday. We're going to be on the beach all day and go out on the boardwalk tonight.

Last night at 12 o'clock, when it was my birthday (officially), I was standing with Brent, Madiha and Irence on the shore at night with the moon shining on the water recording them singing happy birthday to me...and Irene flashing me.

Panicattackistan

I'm on 50 East headed to Ocean City with Brent driving my car and Irene and Madiha in the backseat. I started out driving but when we got on the bridge crossing over water, I started having a panic attack. I felt a sharp rush of blood to my head, couldn't hear, thought I was going to throw up and felt like I was going to pass out. Brent was in the front seat and grabbed the wheel. I was taking deep breaths and had to turn up the music to distract me. Madiha and Irene were making jokes in the back seat to distract me. I swear. I have never had that reaction before. I literally almost passed out. We pulled over at the next gas station where I walked it off, had a soda and still felt nauseated.

"She is from Panicattackistan."
--Madiha--

Bottom line: I just discovered my fear of driving over bridges. As Irene says, I would not do well in Florida. I love Verizon Wireless even more for letting me be in the middle of nowhere and still be online in the front seat of my car typing this and blogging. Naveed hasn't left D.C. yet. He's on his way to pick up the rental car right now. We're staying at this cute place in Ocean City which, according to what the owner told Madiha, there's not a lot of room though its a two bedroom mini-apartment. We were told to bring our own towels, etc. We have 2 air mattresses, that should be sufficient because I am NOT sleeping on that bed. Who knows when the sheets were cleaned.

It will be a fun weekend. I'll celebrate my birthday tomorrow at the beach with my friends.

Pre-Birthday Celebrations

I feel so blessed to have the FABULOUS friends I have here. I love them all for coming out tonight and celebrating with me and making me feel SO fabulous! I love you all! Thank You for a great night!

I'm FABULOUS!

As I get ready to head out to celebrate a year of getting older with my friends who will not be in my company on Sunday, since I will be at The OC celebrating it on the beach with 6 other friends, I wanted to take this moment to thank my Mother and Grandmother for their gene pool. This has allowed me today to wear that hot lacy top with a hot skirt in my size 4 figure which I will flaunt today. I mean how many times will I be able to say: I am in my early thirties and I look like *THIS*. I mean DAMN!

So thank you Mom and Grandma for the looks. Thank you Grandma for the thick wavy hair which I can blow dry straight. And another Thank You to my Mongolian genes, courtesy of Grandpa (God bless his soul), which has kept people guessing about my ethnic background. (Recent guess from someone was Egyptian).

So Thanks to the Afghani and Mongol in me which makes me the sexy bitch that I am.

I Love You Rubina

Me: I'm not going to go in the water.
Rubina: What? No water? Is it illegal?
Me: No. It's filled with fish.
Rubina: Have you ever gone in the water.
Me: When I was younger. I don't want to do it now.
Rubina: You'd blow up like a fish.
Me: Yes. Then I will be swimming with the fishes. Speaking of, I should pack Benadryl.
Rubina: I do a lot of reading on the beach. I look like a beached whale. A happily beached whale.
Me: Yea, that's what I was thinking.
Rubina: That I probably look like a beached whale?
Me: No. Of reading.
Rubina: I would have to smack you as soon as I saw you tonight if you meant the whale thing.

...

my head FVCKIN' hurts!

...

Dear God,

tonight, after a very long time, i'm going to pray. i hope You listen. i hope You understand. i hope You are there. i hope You can hear me. i hope You can help me. i hope You haven't forgotten me.

Your ever humble servant,

me

Awkward Moment

Me: Bikini Atoll is uninhibited by people.
Josh: WHAT! You mean uninhabited by people.
Me: *GASP* I can't believe I just said that!
Josh: That's the weirdest Freudian slip I've ever heard.

Simple Pleasures

I can now take my laptop with me anywhere. I can work on anything from anywhere. I can sit anywhere in D.C. and not worry about internet connectile dysfunction issues. I have Verizon Wireless. Sometimes the most simple things in life can make me so happy.

Random Of the Day

"Do we know any gay Indians?"
--text from Josh--

...

"I can always tell your state of mind by the state of your room."
--Sarvat--

I find that these days no matter how hard I try, I can never keep it clean.

Nepali Mafia

"ngorkhaly (+ 39 guests)
i hate you and all your family"

(I love this response. It's so Neeraj to reply like that to the invite to Madiha's brothers' birthday party. The Nepali Mafia. Gotta love him.)

Because I Don't Wanna

I'm home today. Not at work. Still in my pajamas. Had Thai food for breakfast. In no hurry to go anywhere. I'll shower when I feel like it. I'll go for a tutoring session with Josh when I feel like it. I'll take a nap when I feel like it. I'll watch T.V. when I feel like it (watching Colbert Report re-run right now). I will do whatever I want today. It is a weekday and I want to be home. Because I feel like it.

The End.

Edna

Me: I was at your place today. Your cat wouldn't leave me alone. I think your cat loves me because I'm the only female she's come in contact with this summer.
Tom: That would probably be true.
Me: What's her name?
Tom: Edna Dakota-Chloe VonKittenburg
Me: Seriously?
Tom: Yes. She also has a profile on facebook. Look for Edna in my friends' list.

Apathy. Selfishness. Vulnerablility

I look at their pictures. I smile; genuinely happy for them. Happy that they had their day and happy to see the familiar faces I had known all my adolescent life. Then I wonder if I'll ever have that. I wonder if they will ever dance and laugh like that with me. Then the smile disappears and I find my feelings turning into apathy so that I can prepare myself for what I am about to feel next. I stop the soft, sweet and genuine feelings I had a second ago. I stop staring and I stop smiling because in the back of my head I know; I probably might never have that. I'm not as lucky as them. I never was. I have shame for feeling the way I feel but at the same time I can't help myself. I feel guilty and self-centered for being happy for someone one minute and then thinking of myself in that situation the next. I find myself putting on an apathetic front in order to not feel any emotions. I feel numb after I'm finished looking at their pictures. I almost feel not human. I feel so numb. I wish I could allow myself to be vulnerable to the situations around me. I wish I could not feel so guilty about just being me; when it comes to my emotions. I wish I could just let go. I wish I could share it with someone who would understand. Not even understand; just emphasize. I wish I could be vulnerable and allow myself to open up to someone fully where I didn't have to worry about what they'd think of me afterwards. I wish I could just let myself feel. I wish I could share myself and that part of myself openly and freely instead of putting up this wall where I have to hide my feelings or else I'll break. I wish I didn't have to put up this strong front all the time. I wish I didn't have to keep my composure all the time.

I wish I could be vulnerable.

...

I can't wait till this summer tan goes away. I hate that I have this ability to just get darker and darker when I'm out in the sun. I look like a charred turkey. I hate my face. I hate the way I look. I feel so ugly. I hate years of brainwashing in hearing that lighter is more beautiful and that I'm uglier when I'm darker. They have no idea how many times I've been called the ugly ducking because of this darkness. Others see a nice tan; I see ugly. I look ugly right now. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. I see an ugly duckling. I've always been the ugly duckling.

I Miss You Mairin

Dear Mom:

If I am writing you this letter, that means its time. Time for me to go home after what has been an absolutely AMAZING experience. But I could not leave without telling a certain someone how much she means to me. In ease you were wondering, that's you!!!

Truly, what in the world would I have done without you this summer? The real answer is I would have survived. But what is survival if you have no one to share it with ? And I am so blessed to have been able to share this summer with you. Sasha, you are the definition of a true friend. I knew the minute that I stepped off the metro on that first day at Union Station and saw you standing there. I knew it was going to be a great summer. But I also knew that saying goodbye to it and you was going to be so damn hard...I was right.

The positive side to all of it is that we have so many good memories together that we would never have had otherwise. Lets take a trip down memory lane. How about Jumbo Slice pizza at 3am? Or maybe eating Duangrats together at LEAST once a week becuase yes, the flavorful food is addictive. Next we have taking LOTS of pictures with Heidi in front of monuments and going to the bars with her and Linds, where we could always count on the godfather to keep the guys away. Speaking of guys, how about that night at Gazuza..."I can make you fall in love with me in five minutes, I swear." oh haha and how could I forget, that was also the night we met Mr. "No Dice Tonight". Wow! Gazuza was full of creepers that trip. And WHO could forget our date to Harry Potter (we have pictures to prove it). More recently there is also the picnic in front of George's House and one last meal at Duangrats...my my, we have had quiet the summer together.

As I leave you to go back to good ol' Michigan, I want to make sure you remember a few things we discussed this summer. First of all, you are an amazing woman. Your strength leaves me speechless sometimes; I don't know how you get through it. But the important thing is that you do, and that you will always have me around when you feel like you can't. I am in constant awe of your beauty and grace, but what amazes me most about you is your heart. No matter how many times it is bruised, battered and broken, it is still bursting with love. And that, my darling, is the meaning of a good friend, a good mentor and a beautiful soul. I am going to miss you so much...I cannot begin to tell you how much my heart hurts at the thought of leaving you. But what makes it feel better is that I will see you again.

I love you Mom, from the very bottom of my heart. Please don't ever forget that...Thank you for everything.

Love Always,

Your Baby

...

I saw it today on the metro. I kept looking and all of a sudden a question popped in my head: I wonder if I'll ever have that? I sat there. Thinking. Staring. Wondering. Then I thought of all that I have to do and found it impossible to picture that for myself. For now anyway. Maybe later. But not now. It's not my time. Maybe back then it was but maybe now It's too late. I don't know why I'm making excuses for it. I know I'm not that lucky...not like them.

I (still) walk alone.

Lindsey

"This is a device the government uses to read our brains."
--Lindsey--

"He lives on fries like me. Who knew? My soul mate is a squirrel."
--Lindsey--

"My students are crazy and plotting to kill me by throwing fruit; not a lie. HELP!!!"
--Lindsey, on Gmail chat--

I came back to these words flashing on the corner of my Gmail page. She just wrote those words and was gone. I was laughing out loud to myself. I found this especially funny since she is allergic to fruit and just about everything. She and I went to a restaurant and she looked at the menu and said, "I can't eat anything here." I said, "Then why are we here?" She's allergic to everything. Spices, fruit, the sun, everything. "Well since you are allergic to life...," as my brother said to her. I love this girl. She is so random. We are so perfect. I can't wait until she moves here. I can't wait until I am living with her. I simply cannot wait until Lindsey and I are under one roof planning to take over D.C. together.

I miss Lindsey.

Song of the Day

Over My Head (Cable Car) by The Fray

...

I miss this day. I wish I could do it again.

End

When does it end? Oh yes. I forgot; when I die. Ugh! Therein lies the problem. I swear. Sometimes I'm so strong that I amaze myself and sometimes everything comes crashing down on me all at the same time. I have no clue how I do it. I have no idea why I keep getting tested so much. I always try to justify it by saying, "God gives us what we can handle. He must have a lot of faith in me." But sometimes I wonder if I even believe in those words. I feel so hopeless at this moment. Tomorrow morning I'll be fine. But tonight I just need to get all this negativity out of me. I have to let it out. I have to feel that its okay to vent again. I've stopped myself from feeling for the last couple of months. I've stopped focusing on myself. I've stopped caring about myself. I've stopped letting myself really feel. I've put this numb brick wall around me where I think if I stand behind it, nothing will bother me. I can only pretend for so long, right? I found that no matter how hard one tries to run from their demons, they have a way of sneaking up and reminding of things lost and things in the past and things one wished they had forgotten. I've pretended that I'm okay with things how they are right now and that I will eventually be fine and listened to her and actually believed when she said, "This is the calm before the storm; your day will also come." I do believe that my day will come. Yes. It has to come. Everyone else has had that. Why can't I? But the more I pray for it or the more I try to work hard for it, the longer it takes to come towards me. I feel so completely worn down at this moment. I feel defeated. I feel ashamed for not being where they are. I feel so useless. I feel so behind. I feel like such a failure. I feel so embarrassed. I have all these feelings of self pity and loathing inside me right now. My heart is heavy with tears that want to come out but they just won't. I've stopped crying. I haven't cried in 3 months. I haven't mourned any real feelings inside of me for the last 3 months. I've become numb. I just feel beaten down and defeated. I feel like I've been cast aside. I feel like I've been ignored. I feel like I've been used. I feel like I've been overlooked. I feel like I've been belittled. I don't feel anything right now which shows real joy about anything. I feel completely and utterly useless. I feel like I failed myself and what I said I'd do. My hopes, my ambitions, my dreams, my outlook on myself as a productive and successful person has been crumbled. I feel belittled to the nth degree. I feel ashamed at myself. I am a failure.

I have failed. I hate myself right now.

Shawn is HERE!

The Man in My Life is Here! I Love My Brother So Much!

Bush Sighting

I was on my usual walk/run today on the National Mall when I decided to turn right after the National Phallic Symbol and walk down that street. I crossed the street and was walking parallel to the White House when all of a sudden I notice that the street was blocked and everyone was stopped, mostly the tourists. I continued to walk and as I approached the next intersection I was told to halt by a uniformed secret service man who uttered an authoritative "Please Stop Miss."

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" I said. "I was on a momentum."

But I stood there with the rest of the crowd while my muscles poked at me and seemed to be saying, 'What happened, why did we stop?' I heard the chopper overhead. Then I saw the motorcycle cops drive by followed by 3 or 4 black SUVs with one of them in the middle which had a cute little President's Logo on it. The tourists started moving forward with their cameras at which point I saw the secret service people move forward, alert to the movement taking place. I turned to the woman next to me who was trying to move forward with her camera and said, "I wouldn't make any sudden movements if I were you." She decided against going any further and stayed where she was. The SUV drove by and from the back window of the SUV with the logo I see President Bush waving towards where our crowd was standing; obviously at the kids that were standing by me.

"CAN I GO NOW?" I said out loud.
"Is this common here?" asked the woman standing next to me.
"Yes, but more annoying because it interrupts my walk."

I kept walking. My muscles happy to be moving again.

Another day in D.C.

HaHa

Co-worker: I like your necklace. Where did you get it from?
Me: Jordan.
Co-worker: Who is Jordan?
Me: The country.

I love you Shawn!

I stab people with needles and take their blood.
--My Brother, on his new job at the hospital--

Ode To God

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it’s going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you’ve never met anyone
who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you’ve never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I'm the funniest woman you've ever known.
I am the dullest woman you've ever known.
I'm the most gorgeous woman you've ever known
And you've never met anyone as, as everything as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

And you’re still here
And you're still here...

--Alanis Morisette--
"Everything"

It's a self-preservation thing you see

"You remember those walls in Belfast that were really thick and were really old and had barb wire on the top and no matter how hard they tried they couldn't get through them? Well that wall is what you are being right now.
--Lindsey--

...

No woman is attracted to a man with a short attention span.

I Miss You Yoomie

"The ger on the right, next to the 4th tree, 6 hours by camel from the capital; Mongolia."
--Yoomie, describing her address in Mongolia--

...

Ok...here we go.

Ocean's 13

Eye candy + great one liners + great plot = Jolly good movie. I wanna be a cool cat like Clooney when I grow up.

Nothing Is...

more annoying, stupid and unattractive than a man who is insecure in his relationship and thinks that every time his girlfriend even speaks to another male species, his manhood is threatened. Grow up! And she needs to stop kissing his ass and explaining herself and chasing him because of his emotional blackmail.

"Hang up that damn phone and tell him to get back to you after he's seen a therapist for his insecurity issues. Stop babysitting him."
--Me, to her last night--

Yea Well...

Sometimes you just gotta say "fuck it." Fuck it all. I'm only out to look out for myself. The rest of you all can kiss my big brown flat ass.

What I was thinking at that moment...is what I'm thinking right now.

Ode to God

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it’s going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you’ve never met anyone
who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you’ve never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I'm the funniest woman you've ever known.
I am the dullest woman you've ever known.
I'm the most gorgeous woman you've ever known
And you've never met anyone as, as everything as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

And you’re still here
And you're still here...



"Everything"
--Alanis Morissette--

Overestimate

Overestimate of strength sometimes. Illusion that I walk around with. Over confidence in the ability to hide emotions. Tomorrow, I'll be fine. Today, it hurt a little. I survived today with a little help from my friends who told me I wasn't so crazy to feel that way. Who listened and just let the tears flow and reminded me that my time too will come, who left work to meet me at a Starbucks or stayed late to talk so I wasn't home alone with my thoughts.

Thank you Sarvat, Neeraj and Ali.

...

I walk alone.

Yellow Roses

The older gentleman walks up with a gorgeous bouquet of yellow roses from the flower shop he delivers from, and gives me the name of the person who is the recepient of that gift. I tell him to go ahead and walk back to find the person so she can be surprised. He comes back a mintue later with the bouquet in his hand.

"She's not back there huh?" I said.
"Nope," He replies.

I signed my initials on the line where it states that someone is babysitting the flowers.
He smiles at me and before walking out looks at me candidly and says, "They should've been for you."

I just smiled and replied, "Aww.You're too kind."

But after he left, I cried.

...

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Mongols

"This Mongolian history is yours; pay attention!"
--Grandma--

Jordan Pictures

I finally have the pictures from Jordan up. I'll go in and put the names of the cities and more information later.